Saturday, October 10, 2009

rewind ~ getting to know me . . .

I have come to the realization that in order to share - a little background is nice - huh? Well I won't start with I was in a bad marriage (that comes later) - however I will start with the decisions we make in life only dictate what will be. It's just a matter of being conscious of what decisions we make - you know?

I guess to say if you know me you would understand me. Problem is I don't let anyone know me so understanding me is almost an impossible task. Growing up as an only child has helped me in this direction. Love, love, love being by myself. Keeping my thoughts to myself. Doing things by myself. No ridicule. No comments. No obligations to anyone - but myself. For those that were raised with siblings or in an environment that there was tons of stimulation of being part of the gang I guess you would find that quite selfish. It's not. It is what it is. Everyone comes from a different cloth. Accept it. Even though I like the me aspect of stuff - doesn't mean that I don't or won't or haven't let someone in my crazy world. It's happened and the more it's happened the more I seemed to have shut off from the norm. Hence the statement I made in the beginning - " . . .
the decisions we make in life only dictate what will be. It's just a matter of being conscious of what decisions we make." So that has been my unconscious life (which is most of it.)

Something I have never admitted to anyone. I have never been on a date - ever. So this is a beginning for me. I have never found myself attractive nor has the opposite sex for that matter. I have been told that I have a uniqueness about myself. Although the words, cute, pretty, beautiful (until recently), have never crossed the lips of a man that has been in my presence. It's almost like they all discussed it and unique or exotic (that's when their trying to be really nice) are the only descriptions for me. At this point, that doesn't matter as much although it helps set the groundwork for someone who was/is confused about the outside of themselves.

Needless to say I am an outgoing person. People see me (can't help it) I'm not a person that blends in the crowd. I am smiling all the time. My attitude now is so positive it's enought to make you sick yet feel elated (I can do that!). Although with all of that going for me, I walk into my home and the smiles go away, not the positiveness but the me comes out. Alone, but not lonely, sometimes.

I have a daughter that will be turning 18 in about a month and a half. She is my love. She is the reason I am. I see that on a daily basis. She is not with me right now. She has never lived with her father. He lives in Nevada. So she is spending six months with her father and she will be back with me to finish out her senior year and graduate with her friends - then it is off to college!! Oh happy day. So since the end of July I have been here alone. Can't say I don't miss my girl - I do - so much. But I think it is a break we both needed. She needed to see what kind of father she has and I just needed a break. She is learning a hard lesson with him, but it is for the best for her. I just pray that she NEVER ends up with a man like him. I hope that she doesn't "marry her father." Thank God I was never married to him. I apologize in my heart everyday that he is her father - although the twist to all of this is that if he wasn't her father she would not be who she is. Doesn't that suck!!! Needless to say, he was one of the first horrible decisions I have made in my life. But I revert back to my statement again - if not for him she would not be!

So to lay the map out. I have met some wonderful people in my life. People that have made a difference and and steered me in directions that have been good, bad and indifferent. What's unfortunate is that the relationships that we as a human get involved with have such an impact on our lives. They are major roads that we travel and find it hard to get off of when we know that the path is taking us the wrong way.

So hence to say my daughter's father - glad that never resulted in a marriage. Although, I can only predict the therapy that is coming for her in the future. He can cause that. I just find it hard to believe that I layed down with this man at any point in my life. Oh well . . . another life lesson!

So there were a couple of men I met that I had relationships with that have made them special in my life. Although, I am no longer in touch with them - I met them for a reason! Got to say they were wonderful assets to my life.

Then I meet my ex-husband. Enough for now. I will continue this tomorrow. The lioness needs to rest in her den right now . . .
Peace and blessings.

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