Saturday, September 8, 2012

whatever . . .

I find it so hard to believe that I have lived the years I have and I feel like I’m 22 again trying to figure out what the fuck to do with life.  It’s almost as if I haven’t come out of that phase of life.  But then I think where the hell did my daughter come from.  Sometimes she says things that I should be saying . . . . hmmm . . . . maybe it’s just a phase.  I definitely don’t define my life through my job.  My job is my job – thank God I like it.  I have my good days and bad days but most of the time it’s not bad at all.

My daughter is back in her old school.  The one that put her on probation.  She’s living in an apartment.  Her car is broken down, she’s skateboarding to school and from work.  She falls and almost fractures her arm.  She’s in a sling.  Uuugghh . . . I’m worn out.  I can imagine what’s going on with her.  I remember those days clearly and there is absolutely no end to the tunnel of hell . . . remember that?  It is great watch her grow and mature.  Wanting to be so ahead of things.  There’s a song by Trace Adkins, “You’re gonna miss this.” And it so applies to my daughter.  I cry when I listen to that song.  It’s a flash of a whole life in one three minute song.  I just want her to enjoy the day and stop looking at next week.  I know it’s hard to tell a 20 something that but she’ll realize it when we all did.

I have the urge to write.  I feel like when I write I’ve got all eyes on me . . . when in fact no eyes are on me.  I read other people’s work and I am envious of the expressions people are able to put in words.  Especially these blogs.  Wow, everyone just lets go.  I was hoping that that would happen to me when I started blogging.  I have a couple of blogs that I absolutely love and follow and I zone right in to what bloggers are saying.  I want to get to that point.  I notice people pull out and talk about some great things – even if they didn’t do a thing that day.  I want to get to that level.  I don’t really want to talk about trying to get over something that is so traumatic in my life.  Obviously that has happened and now that that “muse” is gone I have nothing to talk about.  I’m going to try to learn from you all.

I’m going to go now . . . I’m boring myself (that’s kind of hard to do) . . . blog you later!