Saturday, September 18, 2010

Transition . . .

My job changed. Which is great. I travel. I love it. My daughter graduated from high school and now she is across the country going to college. She’s doing great. While on the road my dog, which was sick – died. I didn’t get a chance to see him or hold him before I got back. He died two days before I returned home.

So I get my daughter settled in school. I’m sent back home about a week later and I walk into a very, very, empty house. Wow. I thought transitioning to this was going to be great. But at the time I thought my dog would be here and being by myself free falling was going to be wonderful. Instead, I’m suffering from loss. Although we wait for our children to grow, learn and mature ~ we also can’t wait for them to get out of the house and start living life. Well damnit, my daughter has done that. She did what I expected her to do. But like her, I got what I asked for. Now I have to deal with it. Funny, I hear from her just about every day (I think I did that when I went to college too.) Now that I am home and not on the road for a little while my life is stagnant. I thought I would be able to get a bunch of stuff done. I think I will when I get over this overwhelming feeling of loss inside of me. My dog was supposed to be at my side too. I miss him terribly too.

Nothing of accomplishment is getting done. I don’t even go to the gym anymore. I will get back but I’m struggling. Not that I don’t want to work out (that’s like a drug for me – I looovvvveee working out). I for some reason can’t bring myself to do it. Dishes aren’t getting done. Clothes aren’t being picked up, washed timely, ironed timely or folded timely. The house is a wreck. I’m a wreck right now. I’m trying to snap out of it – but I’m struggling.

Funny how 18 years ago my independence, solitude and free-to-do what I wanted when Iwanted was halted by this beautiful, wonderful, bundle of love and joy that has given me gray hairs and I love every strand of it. Well, she grows up and I’m the one that doesn’t know what to do with the freedom I possessed 18 years ago! Go figure!