Sunday, April 1, 2012

not far from the tree . . .

I want to have a relationship with my mother so bad.  It’s not that we don’t have any communication with each other.  We have that.  I have never been able to really have a conversation with her.  Our conversations consist of her asking questions and me answering them.  We don’t talk.  Nothing gets close with us at all.  Mom is too busy trying to solve whatever problems or issues are presented in the Q & A.  She never really just listens.  I once told her about what was going on with me.  It was delusional I know, but I talked and talked.  I did tell her I just wanted to say it just so she could hear it, I didn’t want a conclusion or any answer or fix to my issues.  She listened . . . then she started to offer solutions.  My frustration level didn’t peak but I was disappointed.  I thought she would acknowledge what I said and just listen.  She acknowledged by giving answers.

My frustration now is at a point of really hurting my heart.  Mom will be 82 in three weeks.  I know you can’t change nor do I want to change a person – especially at 81.  I guess all I want from her is acknowledgement of existence.  That I do or am someone.  Sounds crazy I know.  I love this woman like air.  She has always been there for me, she’s always tried to offer solutions – whether I took them or not.   Mom has just always been.  She is such a wonderful person.  Not anyone who has met her says any different.  She’s an angel . . . a saint.  I have no idea where I came from.

There is a downfall to this.  I’m like her.  I realize with my daughter I am the same way.  My daughter and I do talk tho.  She does open up to me.  I know I won’t hear everything but she does share.  That is one thing that I have never been able to do.  The catalyst was not there for me to do it.  However, if I felt it was I’m sure I could.  I think it was there growing up, but I had to be guided to it. 

I think I’m just a victim of my mother’s generation.  I had to figure out everything myself.  Mom was there, but if I mention anything to her like sex, relationships, real personal shit – her reaction alone would reject me.  So I never went any further.  Having to pretend around friends, in the beginning that I knew, but I figured stuff out.  I even bought books that explained things that most find out in the natural events of life.  I’ve always felt as an outsider.  I’ve always listened to the proper way of living and have followed the rules.  Didn’t play the games. Didn’t get in trouble.  Always the trustworthy one.  Not to say that that’s wrong but I believe it’s part of life.  An example, raised my daughter very similar.  She know but picks and chooses.  Lately she’s not picking and choosing she’s all over the place.  She smoked the weed, played dangerous games, did things and put them in photos (not my favorite moments), but she has lived in her short life.  She has even said she was beyond somethings cause she’s done it so much in high school.  I can’t want what I never had but . . . I do.

Where all of this ties in . . . my life.  The way my mother communicates is how I communicate and it sucks.  I’ll just get to it . . . I don’t know how to have a conversation.  I know how to Q & A someone to death . . . I don’t know how to start a conversation without starting it with a question.  I’d like to just randomly bring up a topic and go with it.  I watch people do it and it’s smooth.  I’ve tried it several times.  I can’t believe I actually talk with this mouth.  I’m smart . . . but when I speak no one would know it.  If I’m counseling or getting deep . . . I’m all over it.  Just simple words . . . humph!!