Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess Einstein was right when he wrote that quote. To define what is insane is only relative to the person going through or experiencing it. I feel like I am touching on that.

All my life I have held it together. Being an only child. Having my child and being harassed by her father. Trying to maintain a life for the both of us. Lots of band-aids along the way. Surviving a relationship filled with at least 8 defined abuses ~ mind you I allowed it to happen to me. I blame myself and still put a lot on my ex-husband. Surviving a daughter who has pushed me to limits – limits that I care not to think about because of the decisions I made sometimes good/bad. Dealing with the ongoing, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly stress of money. Mourning the loss of my beloved dog (not being here when he died), mourning the loss of my daughter (who is at college now). Both gone around the same time. The feeling of emptiness and not being able to go back to what was before to mend, or laugh or enjoy what was. The past is history. I don’t want the history I want the feelings again. I want the want to go on.

My house looks like the award winning poster child of the show “Hoarding.” I have not brought myself up to start even cleaning or straightening up. My house is a mess. It only represents what is going on inside of me. I am feeling sad. I am so feeling like giving up. I don’t know what all of this feels like. I am just going through this now. I wonder if I am going through the stages of mourning. I don’t know, but I don’t like this feeling of not having control over my feelings. This is so new to me. I don’t cry. But I feel like crying but I’m not – it’s a weakness – a crutch. A sign that I cannot deal with life or things that I should be handling.

I have two friends that want to come over and help me get my house in order. I can’t allow that to happen because I need to climb that mountain by myself. I have to know that I can do this myself – alone. Whether you call that a control issue . . . okay. It’s a control issue. One I cannot let go.

I’ve gained 19 lbs. and I can see it. I’m going to try to go to the gym. That is my sanctuary. That is something I have avoided like cleaning the house. As you can see, I am in the circle of insanity.

I keep on not doing what I should do and I’m expecting things to change miraculously ~ how is that going to happen. I’m a reasonable smart person but right now I feel like a 16 year old who wants to run away and not come back. I’ve never felt that way before either. I am hurting inside and I can’t seem to tap it. I’m going to use the obvious ~ which is loss. If that is it – it needs to pass through.

I need to get my shit together!

Transition . . .

My job changed. Which is great. I travel. I love it. My daughter graduated from high school and now she is across the country going to college. She’s doing great. While on the road my dog, which was sick – died. I didn’t get a chance to see him or hold him before I got back. He died two days before I returned home.

So I get my daughter settled in school. I’m sent back home about a week later and I walk into a very, very, empty house. Wow. I thought transitioning to this was going to be great. But at the time I thought my dog would be here and being by myself free falling was going to be wonderful. Instead, I’m suffering from loss. Although we wait for our children to grow, learn and mature ~ we also can’t wait for them to get out of the house and start living life. Well damnit, my daughter has done that. She did what I expected her to do. But like her, I got what I asked for. Now I have to deal with it. Funny, I hear from her just about every day (I think I did that when I went to college too.) Now that I am home and not on the road for a little while my life is stagnant. I thought I would be able to get a bunch of stuff done. I think I will when I get over this overwhelming feeling of loss inside of me. My dog was supposed to be at my side too. I miss him terribly too.

Nothing of accomplishment is getting done. I don’t even go to the gym anymore. I will get back but I’m struggling. Not that I don’t want to work out (that’s like a drug for me – I looovvvveee working out). I for some reason can’t bring myself to do it. Dishes aren’t getting done. Clothes aren’t being picked up, washed timely, ironed timely or folded timely. The house is a wreck. I’m a wreck right now. I’m trying to snap out of it – but I’m struggling.

Funny how 18 years ago my independence, solitude and free-to-do what I wanted when Iwanted was halted by this beautiful, wonderful, bundle of love and joy that has given me gray hairs and I love every strand of it. Well, she grows up and I’m the one that doesn’t know what to do with the freedom I possessed 18 years ago! Go figure!

happy new year . . .

Happy New Year! Yep, another one gone and a new one to now conquer. What’s funny is that we always want to have a better year but it seems like each year that goes by it doesn’t change much. Well, that’s because we tend to continue to do the same things over and over again and nothing changes. Or we start out doing things different and we tend to slide back into our old habits.

Well, I won’t make the promise that I will change my whole world or that things will be different because it is the 1 January 2010. I can say that I will make a very good attempt of continuing to live my life with the hopefully more vigor and knowledge. Can’t guarantee that things will “change” but I hope to make wise decisions and learn more on a daily basis. Most importantly, I’ll continue to give back – hopefully more.

I wish everyone a productive year and continue on what you’ve been doing if it is positive and will give satisfaction!!!

Loving you all – growwwl ~ Lioness . . .