Friday, January 11, 2013

I woke up this morning . . .

I woke up very early this morning and started thinking.  I have realized that my life truly changed when I stopped thinking.  As I think back on the situations in my life, I was always wondering why things were not coming to me like everyone else.  I was always on the outside.  Yeah, I was the happy go lucky one.  The one always cracking jokes and smiling.  But behind all of that I was always thinking.  Never stopped.  Always had thoughts and reasonings behind things.  I was living in a central self.  One that could not be penetrated by anything.  Yeah all my friends were in relationships and living the “dream.”  I was always the one on the side.  I wasn’t noticed as being the one on the side, but I was.  In the room, the natural buzz would be going on.  I was somehow invisible.  If my contribution to the room wasn’t a smile or a joke it wasn’t visible. 

I realized that when I thought I wanted what everyone else had – my life went to shit.  I guess saying it went to shit is very harsh.  My life took a turn that I have been trying to figure out how to get it back on track.  I thought that having someone in my life would somehow complete the process of being a human being in this time.  Well in that process, I dumbed myself down.  I didn’t give my true self.  The thinking growing me.  I somehow made the decision that if I were like everyone else, I would fit in.  I would have what everyone else seemed to want and I would be “happy.”  In that process, I had a man who did gain from my knowledge and chose to roam the earth seeking out his meaning of life.  This is after hours, days and a couple years of really wrapping ourselves up in the consciousness of what we felt was consciousness.  I can only commend him for walking away from family, friends and the mundane life of what it is to seek what he believes are the truths of existence . . . at least for him.  As far as I know he is still out there . . . somewhere.  I ran into him about 3 or 4 years ago and asked of his search.  He feels he’s getting closer. Alrighty then. 

So I then meet a man that just blew my socks off.  We were at the same cranial level actually he was higher and complimentary to mine.  He had it going on.  Not a dime in his pocket but what a brain in his head.  He was going to law school and was #2 in his class.  Want to know about being sexually attracted to someone.  Oooh wee!  Not only did he have the strength between his ears but his sexuality was equally as strong.  We would talk about the creation of earth and the energy that all beings share to exist in an intensity that was overwhelming.  We made love in that same intensity.  Experimented and walked into brave new worlds.  But what drew us together was our thoughts.  The sex was a perk.  Fuck that - the sex was that and more but was not the driving factor of the relationship.  It had an equal balance.  All of that was good, however, my naivety and where he was in life  . . . it didn’t work out like we wanted.  That was such a loss for me.  I missed the knowledge we shared.  God knows I compare every man I have been with to him sexually.  No one has fit the bill.  Still do.  However, we are still in touch with each other and it is scary sometimes how all the things that happen in life change people – but there is still that same somethingness that exists.  (btw . . . we are still very strongly sexually and mentally attracted to each other – circumstances I guess . . . )

After that experience I then moved into the phase of I don’t think I can handle another situation like that again . . . I got to dumb this shit down.  So I did.  With that rose the low self esteem that was buried inside of me – welcoming anything and anyone that could take advantage of that.  I have always lacked the social skills that the “normal” person would have.  I never dated in my life.  I embraced rejection as if it were a comfort pillow.  I expected it and I hated getting it, but it was my protein.  At that point, since I couldn’t really be out there like everyone else I let things come to me.  I became the care giver.  The one that took care of things.  You can’t turn down a care giver.  You can’t reject them . . . oh no.  I didn’t know that I had become such a person.  Hence the traumatic turn of events in my life.  Nothing but good people and then like a snake in a garden . . . I tell you – what you don’t see when you have your blinders on.  Needless to say, of all the people to have in your life – one that is so worse off that you.  One that puts you on a pedestal and raises the self esteem – raises it just enough to get in there and suck the rest of the energy out of you.  The best thing about about it . . . I allowed it to happen.  Nothing happened to me that I did not give full permission too.  I thought that I was using the smart brain that I was blessed with.  Wow . . . what a 5 year life changing awakening I had – with the scars to prove it.  Again, I dumbed myself down.

I realized that when I dropped that shield I had up I thought that I was welcoming in a “normal” existence.  When in reality I was in reality and let in the fallacy called “life”.  The lack of me using my consciousness has left me atrophied in the head.  However, every now and then I feel a slight pump of a heartbeat every now and then. 

I was texting a friend about a month ago this is what he said “Sometimes you get all philosophical on me . . . “  That’s that cranial blood seeping out.  I would like to say new people in my life are not used to that part of me.  But that is the part of me that is so suppressed.  I feel like I can’t mix the two.  If I do, I have to separate from the life that I have.  . . . I like the life I have so it’s so hard for me. 

However, in recent discovery of myself FUCK IT. I am flying that plane.  I am gonna have to mix this shit up.  Along with acceptance of others comes acceptance of self.  I have learned a lot just from my past and sitting back and really listening to others.  I am getting perspective and feel like I need to gain mine back.  Actually, not gain it back – give it the respect it deserves.  I’m going to bust that bubble and live.  All the other motha fuckers are just gonna have to accept or step.