Friday, July 31, 2009

another day . . .

Okay, yeah I haven't done much contemplating on this out the box next move thing. I'm hoping that as the days progress I will be made aware and I just jump on it! So, I thought this evening would be enlightening. I was supposed to go to my high school reunion - the ice breaker tonight. Apparently, it must have been cancelled because I showed and no one was there and they didn't do the golf earlier that day either. I was kind of looking forward to it. I wasn't necessarily close to anyone in high school here in Colorado but there were a few people I was hoping to connect with. The ones I had fun with! Anyway that didn't happen. I won't be attending anything else this weekend due to my schedule. Oh well. I did go to a place downtown where a friend was playing in a band. It was so soothing to be in the bar/restaurant by myself just chillin - listening to the band which was really good. I can say I did make an internal step - I felt so sexy being there. Just my whole aura was feeling it. My friend in the band kind of killed it because he had some friends there and they asked me to join. I wasn't feeling conversation at this point. But being nice I joined them. Not to long after that some friends did show. But for that hour or so I felt so good and confident in myself.

So a small step was made. Until tomorrow the quest continues. Michael, find a way to comment if you can ~ would love to get your feedback!!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

how this got started . . .

Okay, I think I know how this blogging stuff works - so I'm going to get started. Great . . . where do I start. Okay, why am I doing this. Over a period of time friends have told me that I have had a wall up. It took me a while for it to sink in ~ but they were right. A really good friend of mine, Michael, has backed me against the wall now.

I texted him one day and if I remember I basically asked him to challenge me and my wall - help me get it down. So, we go back and forth. I'm answering questions, saying no to things he suggests for me to do etc. Then he sent me a text that said, "What would a man have to do to take the wall down around your heart?" That hit me kind of hard. I asked for it - didn't I? After my ten minutes of crying (which I don't do ~ another wall), the reality of the various walls I have built around me was very visible. Of course I thought I was always an open person. I am, just not with my personal shit! I know about everyone else and have shared guardedly my experiences. (btw ~ I didn't answer his question - mainly because I don't know.)

So, if the stuff above makes sense this is is the deal. He told me I needed to do something out of the norm to lower my wall. So I'm thinking what am I going to do ~ I'm scared to do anything (kind of). At work I'm a warrior! I'm a warrior outside of work ~ but when it's dealing with my personal zone - I got issues. So, he tells me I have a day to think of one thing to dip out of the box. I had problems trying to think of it. So, he gave me some tips and gave me three days to come up with something. Just to clarify, this out of the box stuff is dealing with stuff I don't allow myself to do for whatever reason I don't allow myself to do (i.e. from riding a roller coaster to making the first move with a man.) ~ it's all across the board.

Today I'm sitting in the bookstore (next to the library it's one of my favorite places - I'm not a total nerd) - I am an aspiring writer (I keep telling myself this) - and I read a lot today. Saw some stuff on blogging. So, I get home and start washing dishes and realize BLOGGING! That is my first step - my first couple of bricks from my wall! I'm putting myself against the wall. I am first sharing personal shit to the world and I said I'm gonna do this and now I have to! I am an expert procrastinator - the best!! I avoid (when dealing with me) oh so well! So I thought this will put some fire under my ass.

I consider this the first step. This should buy me some time with Michael. This is a big step for me. Wish me luck. Maybe tomorrow I'll share - briefly why I went from a free spirit wild girl to boring me!! Although, I'm not that boring - I just need to let my inhibitions go! As Michael has told me, "Start living outside the box!"