Wednesday, August 19, 2009

made a human attempt . . .

Okay, tonight I meet some friends. I already had a fucked up day today (professionally and personally). I guess the wall must be lowering cause shit does not get to me like it did today. Anyway, so I'm sitting at a bar waiting for some friends. I catch the eye of some guy that is working there. Yeah he's cute, unfortunately he is what two of my friends know is my kryptonite. He fits all of the criteria of the physical nature that attracts me so much yet is not good for me (so far). Anyway . . . all night long we are catching each other's eye. I am frozen. I have been instructed to maintain a long eye contact. I think I did that. It made it worse for me because I didn't know what to do. With my fucked up analytical mind I was trying to put the cart in front of the horse. I was trying to figure out what should I say when he finally stops and gives me attention. Well I never let it come to that. He was a guy that worked there. When I left he had this longing look on his face. Whether it was meant I don't know. I had something inside of me that told me to go introduce myself to him. But I didn't. I wanted to connect with him so bad. But I think he remembered me from my birthday party. I wanted to meet him them too, but I was in another zone at that time!

So I see the eye contact works very well!!! I like that. Now I just need to use it on the guy I am really interested in. I hope to see him tomorrow and a couple of days after that. He's the one I want. But I don't want to just fuck him. It's weird. He's fuckable, don't get me wrong. I want to really get to know him (is that a mistake?). We have a connection (which is what I have with everyone I meet). He doesn't want a girlfriend, I don't want a boyfriend. But I have to figure out what I want myself so I don't mess this up. I want to chill with him and see what happens. I'm trying to work on my poetry. I describe him as three things, a lion, a gladiator and an amusement park. Just use your imagination about that.

Well what progress I made was minor tonight but that's what it's all about. Just so long as I do something that's good. Sweeeeeet dreams.

Monday, August 17, 2009

surrender . . .

It has been a couple of weeks since I have added to this. Maybe this is my process of avoiding something that truly is affecting me inside. But I have to try to overcome this and move on. So, I will make the attempt to submit everyday. It maybe every two days but it will eventually get to everyday.

I was thinking and I realized that all of this fear I have inside is so silly yet I survive off of it. I sometimes feel that if it were gone so would I be. But the realization of it all is that it is just garbage. Remnants of the past in bits and pieces just piling up inside and just causing a junk yard to be established. It has morphed in to food for me. Like fast food - which I don't eat. It's comforting but it's not good for you.

I find that if I just surrender to these fears - not let them take over but do something about them. Anyone will tell you that if you have a conversation with me you will eventually hear "I don't do that . . . " I realized it never fails that I always say that. And the things that I say it to are silly things. They're normally things that would reveal a little something about me that I want to keep behind that stupid wall. So I am going to stop saying that phrase (#1) and (#2) I'm going to surrender to the phrase. I am going to allow myself to experience what I said that I don't do. I can say what I don't do easily, especially if I haven't even tried it. That's not good now is it. I am going to take that little step and put myself there so that I can not say "I don't" and be able to say, "I did", or "I want to", or "It was good for me!"

I'm diggin this but I have to put myself to the test. You have to understand I am TERRIFIED to step out of the box. Freak that I am, the initial start is so difficult. Once I'm in my comfort zone - watch out! I love to enjoy and experience. It's knocking on that door and saying that I'm outside and want to do it - that's my stumbling block. Loving you!!!