Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Do. or do not. There is no try ~ Yoda

I have started a Personal Manifesto.  I should say I have started writing my Personal Manifesto.  How freeing it is.  I have topics – I’m sure they are simple topics.  However, I am making it so that I could add as I learn and live.

Writing this has been so freeing.
  It’s something that I wanted to do before.  I never really knew what a manifesto is.  One day the thought came to me.  I had to look it up because I had never heard of it other than it coming to me in my head.  There is a lot of information and suggestions on the web.  I chose to print that information out, but I haven’t read it yet.  I wanted to create it on my own with my own ideas and philosophies.  Well the ball is definitely rolling. It’s taking me a minute to finish it, but I don’t really think it ever gets finished.  Always polishing and fine tuning.  It does set me in a motion on a path.  Path to where – I don’t know.  I just like expressing and living to certain levels.  Although, I’m not stuck at just what I say I live with the guidelines know that things will change.  Rolling with the flow of life.

I was stimulated to really get it down on paper by meeting a wonderful person, a man that is so awesome!
  I was on one of my trips.  He stood out from all the rest of the people I met.  He and I connected immediately.  His words, thoughts, views and freedom of life really turned me on.  He’s kind and honest.  Too bad he’s emotionally unavailable at this time.  However, who really is emotionally available!!!  I have found a friend for life.  We know each others thoughts and actions before we do it and sometimes predict it.  The people around us thought hmmm what’s up with these two?  Actually nothing just a connection of the spirits and energy.  Nothing like having a Super Hero in your life.

He noticed my fears.
  Uuugh.  He didn’t want to rescue me – boy am I glad.  He supported me and encouraged me to let them go.  He didn’t make it a project.  I love that.  With his hands off approach I’m ready to take on the world (or so I think).  When I left he gave me a rose quartz – to further nurture my self love.  He also gave me a crystal, a Lemurian Seed Crystal.  The purpose of this crystal is to assist in remembering who we really are. I guess I got to stop sabotaging myself and let me out.  God help us all everyone!

One last thing.
  In the light of the quote by Yoda.  I am getting into photography.  Something that I have taken on as a hobby.  I really have taken it on as a hobby, however, I have no idea what to do with my expensive tool for my hobby.  I found a free on line photography class.  I love it.  I’m learning about exposure, fstopping and such.  It has been pretty cool.  I need to do a hell of a lot more work – I emphasize hobby again. 

In my attempts of capturing what I am trying to learn.
  I am learning how to take pictures with motion.  I know it’s not much but I will post a picture I took in practice. Yeah, this is it “water flowing from faucet.” I’m pretty proud of it.  However, I can do much better.  If you saw the other 35 pictures I took of the same thing, this was the best.  Bear with the amateur.
I think this is the right exposure
The exposure is to dark but I still like the picture
I’m done.

May the force be with you!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

whatever . . .

I find it so hard to believe that I have lived the years I have and I feel like I’m 22 again trying to figure out what the fuck to do with life.  It’s almost as if I haven’t come out of that phase of life.  But then I think where the hell did my daughter come from.  Sometimes she says things that I should be saying . . . . hmmm . . . . maybe it’s just a phase.  I definitely don’t define my life through my job.  My job is my job – thank God I like it.  I have my good days and bad days but most of the time it’s not bad at all.

My daughter is back in her old school.  The one that put her on probation.  She’s living in an apartment.  Her car is broken down, she’s skateboarding to school and from work.  She falls and almost fractures her arm.  She’s in a sling.  Uuugghh . . . I’m worn out.  I can imagine what’s going on with her.  I remember those days clearly and there is absolutely no end to the tunnel of hell . . . remember that?  It is great watch her grow and mature.  Wanting to be so ahead of things.  There’s a song by Trace Adkins, “You’re gonna miss this.” And it so applies to my daughter.  I cry when I listen to that song.  It’s a flash of a whole life in one three minute song.  I just want her to enjoy the day and stop looking at next week.  I know it’s hard to tell a 20 something that but she’ll realize it when we all did.

I have the urge to write.  I feel like when I write I’ve got all eyes on me . . . when in fact no eyes are on me.  I read other people’s work and I am envious of the expressions people are able to put in words.  Especially these blogs.  Wow, everyone just lets go.  I was hoping that that would happen to me when I started blogging.  I have a couple of blogs that I absolutely love and follow and I zone right in to what bloggers are saying.  I want to get to that point.  I notice people pull out and talk about some great things – even if they didn’t do a thing that day.  I want to get to that level.  I don’t really want to talk about trying to get over something that is so traumatic in my life.  Obviously that has happened and now that that “muse” is gone I have nothing to talk about.  I’m going to try to learn from you all.

I’m going to go now . . . I’m boring myself (that’s kind of hard to do) . . . blog you later!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

not far from the tree . . .

I want to have a relationship with my mother so bad.  It’s not that we don’t have any communication with each other.  We have that.  I have never been able to really have a conversation with her.  Our conversations consist of her asking questions and me answering them.  We don’t talk.  Nothing gets close with us at all.  Mom is too busy trying to solve whatever problems or issues are presented in the Q & A.  She never really just listens.  I once told her about what was going on with me.  It was delusional I know, but I talked and talked.  I did tell her I just wanted to say it just so she could hear it, I didn’t want a conclusion or any answer or fix to my issues.  She listened . . . then she started to offer solutions.  My frustration level didn’t peak but I was disappointed.  I thought she would acknowledge what I said and just listen.  She acknowledged by giving answers.

My frustration now is at a point of really hurting my heart.  Mom will be 82 in three weeks.  I know you can’t change nor do I want to change a person – especially at 81.  I guess all I want from her is acknowledgement of existence.  That I do or am someone.  Sounds crazy I know.  I love this woman like air.  She has always been there for me, she’s always tried to offer solutions – whether I took them or not.   Mom has just always been.  She is such a wonderful person.  Not anyone who has met her says any different.  She’s an angel . . . a saint.  I have no idea where I came from.

There is a downfall to this.  I’m like her.  I realize with my daughter I am the same way.  My daughter and I do talk tho.  She does open up to me.  I know I won’t hear everything but she does share.  That is one thing that I have never been able to do.  The catalyst was not there for me to do it.  However, if I felt it was I’m sure I could.  I think it was there growing up, but I had to be guided to it. 

I think I’m just a victim of my mother’s generation.  I had to figure out everything myself.  Mom was there, but if I mention anything to her like sex, relationships, real personal shit – her reaction alone would reject me.  So I never went any further.  Having to pretend around friends, in the beginning that I knew, but I figured stuff out.  I even bought books that explained things that most find out in the natural events of life.  I’ve always felt as an outsider.  I’ve always listened to the proper way of living and have followed the rules.  Didn’t play the games. Didn’t get in trouble.  Always the trustworthy one.  Not to say that that’s wrong but I believe it’s part of life.  An example, raised my daughter very similar.  She know but picks and chooses.  Lately she’s not picking and choosing she’s all over the place.  She smoked the weed, played dangerous games, did things and put them in photos (not my favorite moments), but she has lived in her short life.  She has even said she was beyond somethings cause she’s done it so much in high school.  I can’t want what I never had but . . . I do.

Where all of this ties in . . . my life.  The way my mother communicates is how I communicate and it sucks.  I’ll just get to it . . . I don’t know how to have a conversation.  I know how to Q & A someone to death . . . I don’t know how to start a conversation without starting it with a question.  I’d like to just randomly bring up a topic and go with it.  I watch people do it and it’s smooth.  I’ve tried it several times.  I can’t believe I actually talk with this mouth.  I’m smart . . . but when I speak no one would know it.  If I’m counseling or getting deep . . . I’m all over it.  Just simple words . . . humph!!