Tuesday, October 13, 2009

con't . . . getting to know me . . .

You know what . . . I shouldn't even be writing about this. This is stuff that has been discarded a while ago. Not looking for sympathy, empathy or anything. I'm just talking about the past. What significance does the past have - I've been thinking. I mean it is H-I-S-T-O-R-Y. I guess stating it for me is more of a testimony for those that could relate. Maybe?

I will use this blog, only this blog as a grave hole. I have dug the hole and now I will place the words in it to be buried six
feet under and let it go to dust. Work for you? Works for me!!

So I am a single mother who meets this man who fills what I thought the holes that I had in my life. Mind you it's been about a year since I was in a relationship of any sort with anyone.

We started off great. He was married twice already (red flag?) Life is great. We didn't have any physical contact for six months. He didn't meet my daughter until about 10 months after we were seeing each other. I thought very healthy. Life is good. We're happy. I meet his daughter ~ interesting, and nice. Our daughters are 7 months apart in age ~ we thought was good. So he moves in after a couple of years. Life is still good ~ so I thought. He's moody and needy. He was working a very lucrative job. He quits the job and wants to do something different and be able to spend more time with me (red flag??)

So needless to say life is aimless. So my department is deleted from my old job. I have some money in savings I figure I can handle not working for awhile so I can start up a business. Took a business plan class with chamber of commerce ~ doing the right things. He decides to quit the job he's at since Iam home all day he can too be there. So now you ask, how are we surviving. Well due to my open bleeding heart I started to syphon my savings (another red flag?) Yup, my genious a** says it can be done. Needless to say ~ negative!!! I had to find a job. I didn't want to lose my house, or car ~ I'm just starting to get irritated (okay so I'm slow).

So I get a job. At the time, yes it was a job. I now have a salary coming in. Did I mention it was the only salary coming in. He was supposed to be getting a job. So tell me how a single salary paying 20K is going to provide for a grown man who's not working, a pre-teen in activities at all time and me. It barely did. Despite my complaints nothing's going on. So he finally finds this job. The job takes him out of the state 2-4 times a month. Cool. Money is good. I personally needed a break. So my job is in a public area. I am working with the public - so out of my box. But I love it!!! Love the people I'm working with. I am loving my work life. He didn't like that. Guess what . . . yep, he quit his job to be closer to me. Huh . . . okay something is wrong with this picture. Guess what I find out . . . he's a crack head! Yup. So what do I do . . . being the caregiver I am . . . I empathize and believe he'll be okay if he goes to some meetings and stop (boy was I ignorant). You say turn around and walk away . . . sorry, my heart was already locked away in this man :(

So it has begun. It actually began when I met him but the light is finally shining in my eyes now. Oh did I mention he's an alcoholic too. Sorry if that was left out earlier. Fast forward . . . I'm at work I look up and find him watching me at work. He's calling repeadedly on my work phone accusing me of f***ing all the men I am working with. He would stay sometimes throughout my shift and watch me. When I got home it was worse. He would yell, break things, accuse me of sleeping with men and women etc. This went on all the way up to when he thought his words were not getting through. That's when he thought his actions would get through. Yep the beatings started. The fights. How about me going to work and I'm talking to someone and a stream of blood starts to stream down from my forehead down over my eye and drip off of my cheek. My embarrassment didn't even match the pain of the bruise that was on my head for the next week. How about when I went to the store. I came home. He ripped my clothes and panties off, stuck his hand in my vagina and smelled it. He thought I went to go sleep with someone. He pulled patches of hair out of my head. I have a bald spot that I look at everyday due to his doing. Also, when I slept, he would hold my nose closed and covered my mouth and wait for me to start gasping for air and wake up. But ladies, life is full of choices and my choice at this time was to be in this mess. At that time, I didn't know I had a choice!

Fast forward . . . he went to AA meetings/I went to Alanon meetings ~ he didn't like NA meetings - I guess to real for him. He manipulated those meetings. He disappeared and would resurface. He ended up sleeping with my cousin. We were done . . . or so I thought. He goes away for a year with another woman he was going to mar
ry - yeah!!! He went to re-hab and was clean (supposedly). In his cleanliness he thought I was the one for him. He worked on me and worked on me. I broke - we married. One week after being married he started using again! Surprise! Under the guise of taking care of his ailing father he went to San Francisco. Upon his departure he gives me about 15 receipts to different pawn shops ~ yep that was the home of my things that he hocked. (I was only able to save half ~ the other half was bought by the time I got to the shops.) He stayed there. Before he left he went through re-hab twice and attempted suicide. I was such a basket case. I went through counseling for a total of three years. He started that counseling with me ~ it got to real for him so he stopped. I went on. Best decision he made. He is the one that got us in the counseling in the first place . . . yep his decision ~ his demise.

While in Cali his drug habit was even worse than here. Bottom line (I skipped over a lot of drama - including our domestic violence visit with the police and so on). I filed for divorce. He didn't want it. I did and I got it.

I am so strong now. Although I lost me in the process. I am gaining me b
ack. All in all all of the s*** I encountered I would never change it. I made the decisions that I did. I put myself where I was ~ all me!! I'm not mad at myself I learned from all of this. I am so educated. Life lessons are the best. I have lost alot and am still financially suffering ~ but I don't have him in my life.

Check it out. He got married to another woman (wife #4) three months after our divorce. Does that tell you that is a healthy person. Who cares. I'm well. I am very cautious, shy and still afraid at times I am going to meet a guy like him again. So the relationship thing with me is sketchy. I'm working on it. I am allowing fear to direct me and I am working on that.

So that is my funeral. The words are buried and no more. I know this was extremely long. Be glad I didn't put everything in this. This was a summary believe it or not.


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