destined to be alone?

Okay, I attend this seminar. I went with a girlfriend of mine. We're sitting there and another friend of ours is there. His name is David. He's a wonderful person. His chronological age I believe is 67 or 68. This man plays rugby with 25 - 30 year olds. I mean he's amazing. He's lived in Europe and raised his children there. He's originally from back east - he is wonderful. He's been around the block a few times. Always has a girlfriend - good guy! I like and respect him.

So the seminar we're at is dealing with money, blah, blah, blah. So he and I got into a conversation about values that kids have and how he and his wife raised their kids, yada, yada, yada. Well his two daughters are grown. One has two children and the other is not married - still single. So David, being the wonderful - back east person, in your face kind of guy that he is makes the following comment. "You know I don't think my daughter will ever get married. She meets stupid men that are unable to be at her level. I feel sorry for her and women like you because strong, independent women are destined to be alone."

Okay, gulp, how do I take that. Was that a slam?? I don't think so. There is a little truth in that statement but come on ~ is that true? Is there not a man out there who can satisfy, feed, grow etc. with me. Yuck what a thought!!! I thought there were some men out there for me. Mind you, I'm not desperate for someone ~ however, I would like someone in my life at some point to grow old with, yell at because the seat's not down, grab his hand in the movie theatre when the scene is romantic or shocking, that guy that tries to take the best piece of food off your plate and you don't mind - you know what I mean What's up with that?

The fact that he made this statement did not bother me. It was the depth and the meaning of the statement. He was only stating what he feels is the obvious ~ can't get mad at someone's honesty - now can you? For the last day and a half I have been pondering this. Oh . . . whoa is me . . .

(Don't worry, I'm not depressed. There are worse things in life)

she's back . . .

She came back. She got in early and was waiting for me at the train station. It's surreal having her back. She was supposed to be gone for six months ~ but it was only three. It didn't seem like a long time - but it was. My daughter is so excited to be back home. She's been back a couple of days. It's good to have her back. I can't help but say, I don't know if it's selfish, but my stress level went back up.

We're waiting for her father to return her things to the school she was going to so she can get registered in her old school. I guess that's where the stress is coming from. I know am back in mom mode and the things I didn't have to worry about the last rhree months are back three fold now. I'll be okay. My girl is back ~ that is the best I could ask for.

She's already adapted. She spent a day with her friends. Life is good. I'm out.

choo . . . choo . . . train!

I spoke to my daughter and she told me she wanted to come home. She hated her father. She just did not want to be there. They had a fight a few days ago. (I don't know what it was about or what happened.) I asked her if she and her father talked ~ she said he wouldn't talk to her. So I go into this whole mother to daughter from the heart speech about how important it is o communicate, this is probably the last time she will have with her father, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're a mom you know what I had to say.

So she goes on and says she want to go. Okay, so I call her father. He never speaks to me or takes my calls. He sends anything he has to say to me through her. Sucks. But I really, really, truly appreciate and enjoy the lack of direct contact I do have with him . . . ewww. Anyway, I called him, he actually answered the phone and listened to me. Really? He actually let me speak ~ so I did. Went into the speech for fathers, someone has to take the helm of this relationship (him and my daughter), last opportunity they will have before she goes off to school, blah, blah, blah, blah. He responded back surprisingly with intelligent conversation . . . okay. Progress?

Talk to the daughter later . . . her father tells her that she is coming back home. That was his rendition of talking to her!! Hellova communicator, huh? Oh, he also tells her to pack her things, she's leaving in three hours! Gasp!!! WTF??? She tells me she'll be flying in this evening.

I call the genetic donator and he tells me that she's not flying in. He is putting her on the train today and she will be her tomorrow around 7 p.m. At this point, the only thing stopping me from coming through the phone is that it is physically impossible!!!

I talk to her. He gives her no suitcase (she went out there driving with him and her clothes were in tubs). He takes her to grab some food for the trip. She has a little knapsack (from what she's telling me), her ipod and a book. He kisses her on the forehead, puts her on the train - it's done. Again, WTF? The only feeling of relief that I have is the fact that she is on her way back to HOME - you know someplace where someone or your things love and appreciate you.

So that is a quick summary of what's up. My minnie me will be home tomorrow around this time. Looking forward to watching Desperate Housewives with her (her favorite show ~ show I tolerate with her). Isn't that momdome is all about!!!

saga continues . . .

I am so worn out. Work was fine. Everything else sucked. I am mentally exhausted. I spoke to my daughter. It's like talking to a wall when it comes to a 17 year old. But as much as I thought i was not getting through - the road was tough I think I did. I then called her father and said the same things to him. I put my two cents in whether it was accepted or not.

Apparently, his mind is made up and he is sending her back on Sunday ~ or so that's what it seems after I spoke to him. I did ask him to talk to her and I am sure my words rested on closed ears but I had to say something.

So my life again snaps back into mom mode again. For those of you that have longed for a break and it is abruptly interrupted I'm sure you feel me. I don't think I need to say anything.

I guess all I can say - selfishly - which I could have gotten some in this "alone" time. But that is in my fantasy world anyway. As the title of the blog - got to live outside the box in order for that to happen.

I'm out. There is a bathtub with a lot of bubbles waiting for me right now.

Ciao

what goes around . . .

This will be brief. My ramblings tonight are a bit stifled due to if I really put all that I feel I won't know how to cope.

My daughter is with her father for six months ~ out of state. She wanted to be with him because she has never lived with him and she is off to college in the fall.

So today I get word that her father (by genetics only) "strong armed her" the other day. What she tells me sounds worse. I have to balance between the drama and the truth. She did all the research of coming back home like within a week. She and her father haven't even talked about the incident.

I spoke to him today and as much as I don't like, respect or can't really stand him ~ I listened to his words. I didn't believe all that he told me about them ~ although I do (on the inside) agree with what he see's our daughter to be. I strongly disagree with his way of handling things and my daughter will probably come home.

I just feel like I have exposed her to the worse. My ex-husband and his ways. Her father and his ways. My God what kind of monsters to I meet.

And people wonder why I'm not in a relationship. Why I'm afraid to be aggressive. Why I don't make myself vulnerable.

I can't help but think, what goes around comes around. The cycle and pattern that so many of us fall under with mother and daughter.

I've got to go. My thoughts are scattered and I am in a place I haven't been in in a very long time. I don't plan on staying there ~ so I've got to go so I can get back to where I need to be ~ especially for my girl.

what happened yesterday . . .

Yesterday was an awakening. I attended a get Motivated seminar. Not unlike the motivational things I read and do on a daily basis. I saw Colin Powell, Laura Bush, Zig Ziglar and about six other personalities. All of them said things that I hear all the time and sometimes practice.

Where my enlightenment came from was the lady I sat next to. I met a woman with whom we had a conversation while waiting for the seminar to begin. I found myself just flowing like a river to her. She did the same. It was like we manifested ourselves to each other. I can't remember how our conversation began all I can remember is what I gained from it. I think I found my passion or my calling ~ she helped me figure it out. Oh, I forgot to mention, she is a counselor. Not just any counselor but one who travels. The people that need her pay for her flight to her, her housing and her consultation. Nice. Anyway, that is what she summized from our mutual conversation. I already had a very strong interest in it. Due to what I do at work along with my awareness of living through what I have ~ even she said what I was thinking ~ the two marry together!

She was truly an inspiration for me. It was what I needed. She also thanked me for my conversation because I helped her with some things also. I could have gotten up and left that seminar fully satisfied for the day and the seminar hadn't even begun. How often do we/you/I meet someone that can make a difference in your life and you do the same for them. The fact that I made a difference to her was the cherry on top for me.

I did learn from the seminar that the past doesn't matter. A quote from Zig Ziglar ~ "It's not what you have lost, it's what you do with what you've got left." I like that!

con't . . . getting to know me . . .

You know what . . . I shouldn't even be writing about this. This is stuff that has been discarded a while ago. Not looking for sympathy, empathy or anything. I'm just talking about the past. What significance does the past have - I've been thinking. I mean it is H-I-S-T-O-R-Y. I guess stating it for me is more of a testimony for those that could relate. Maybe?

I will use this blog, only this blog as a grave hole. I have dug the hole and now I will place the words in it to be buried six feet under and let it go to dust. Work for you? Works for me!!

So I am a single mother who meets this man who fills what I thought the holes that I had in my life. Mind you it's been about a year since I was in a relationship of any sort with anyone.

We started off great. He was married twice already (red flag?) Life is great. We didn't have any physical contact for six months. He didn't meet my daughter until about 10 months after we were seeing each other. I thought very healthy. Life is good. We're happy. I meet his daughter ~ interesting, and nice. Our daughters are 7 months apart in age ~ we thought was good. So he moves in after a couple of years. Life is still good ~ so I thought. He's moody and needy. He was working a very lucrative job. He quits the job and wants to do something different and be able to spend more time with me (red flag??)



So needless to say life is aimless. So my department is deleted from my old job. I have some money in savings I figure I can handle not working for awhile so I can start up a business. Took a business plan class with chamber of commerce ~ doing the right things. He decides to quit the job he's at since Iam home all day he can too be there. So now you ask, how are we surviving. Well due to my open bleeding heart I started to syphon my savings (another red flag?) Yup, my genious a** says it can be done. Needless to say ~ negative!!! I had to find a job. I didn't want to lose my house, or car ~ I'm just starting to get irritated (okay so I'm slow).

So I get a job. At the time, yes it was a job. I now have a salary coming in. Did I mention it was the only salary coming in. He was supposed to be getting a job. So tell me how a single salary paying 20K is going to provide for a grown man who's not working, a pre-teen in activities at all time and me. It barely did. Despite my complaints nothing's going on. So he finally finds this job. The job takes him out of the state 2-4 times a month. Cool. Money is good. I personally needed a break. So my job is in a public area. I am working with the public - so out of my box. But I love it!!! Love the people I'm working with. I am loving my work life. He didn't like that. Guess what . . . yep, he quit his job to be closer to me. Huh . . . okay something is wrong with this picture. Guess what I find out . . . he's a crack head! Yup. So what do I do . . . being the caregiver I am . . . I empathize and believe he'll be okay if he goes to some meetings and stop (boy was I ignorant). You say turn around and walk away . . . sorry, my heart was already locked away in this man :(

So it has begun. It actually began when I met him but the light is finally shining in my eyes now. Oh did I mention he's an alcoholic too. Sorry if that was left out earlier. Fast forward . . . I'm at work I look up and find him watching me at work. He's calling repeadedly on my work phone accusing me of f***ing all the men I am working with. He would stay sometimes throughout my shift and watch me. When I got home it was worse. He would yell, break things, accuse me of sleeping with men and women etc. This went on all the way up to when he thought his words were not getting through. That's when he thought his actions would get through. Yep the beatings started. The fights. How about me going to work and I'm talking to someone and a stream of blood starts to stream down from my forehead down over my eye and drip off of my cheek. My embarrassment didn't even match the pain of the bruise that was on my head for the next week. How about when I went to the store. I came home. He ripped my clothes and panties off, stuck his hand in my vagina and smelled it. He thought I went to go sleep with someone. He pulled patches of hair out of my head. I have a bald spot that I look at everyday due to his doing. Also, when I slept, he would hold my nose closed and covered my mouth and wait for me to start gasping for air and wake up. But ladies, life is full of choices and my choice at this time was to be in this mess. At that time, I didn't know I had a choice!

Fast forward . . . he went to AA meetings/I went to Alanon meetings ~ he didn't like NA meetings - I guess to real for him. He manipulated those meetings. He disappeared and would resurface. He ended up sleeping with my cousin. We were done . . . or so I thought. He goes away for a year with another woman he was going to marry - yeah!!! He went to re-hab and was clean (supposedly). In his cleanliness he thought I was the one for him. He worked on me and worked on me. I broke - we married. One week after being married he started using again! Surprise! Under the guise of taking care of his ailing father he went to San Francisco. Upon his departure he gives me about 15 receipts to different pawn shops ~ yep that was the home of my things that he hocked. (I was only able to save half ~ the other half was bought by the time I got to the shops.) He stayed there. Before he left he went through re-hab twice and attempted suicide. I was such a basket case. I went through counseling for a total of three years. He started that counseling with me ~ it got to real for him so he stopped. I went on. Best decision he made. He is the one that got us in the counseling in the first place . . . yep his decision ~ his demise.

While in Cali his drug habit was even worse than here. Bottom line (I skipped over a lot of drama - including our domestic violence visit with the police and so on). I filed for divorce. He didn't want it. I did and I got it.

I am so strong now. Although I lost me in the process. I am gaining me back. All in all all of the s*** I encountered I would never change it. I made the decisions that I did. I put myself where I was ~ all me!! I'm not mad at myself I learned from all of this. I am so educated. Life lessons are the best. I have lost alot and am still financially suffering ~ but I don't have him in my life.

Check it out. He got married to another woman (wife #4) three months after our divorce. Does that tell you that is a healthy person. Who cares. I'm well. I am very cautious, shy and still afraid at times I am going to meet a guy like him again. So the relationship thing with me is sketchy. I'm working on it. I am allowing fear to direct me and I am working on that.

So that is my funeral. The words are buried and no more. I know this was extremely long. Be glad I didn't put everything in this. This was a summary believe it or not.

Peace.

rewind ~ getting to know me . . .

I have come to the realization that in order to share - a little background is nice - huh? Well I won't start with I was in a bad marriage (that comes later) - however I will start with the decisions we make in life only dictate what will be. It's just a matter of being conscious of what decisions we make - you know?

I guess to say if you know me you would understand me. Problem is I don't let anyone know me so understanding me is almost an impossible task. Growing up as an only child has helped me in this direction. Love, love, love being by myself. Keeping my thoughts to myself. Doing things by myself. No ridicule. No comments. No obligations to anyone - but myself. For those that were raised with siblings or in an environment that there was tons of stimulation of being part of the gang I guess you would find that quite selfish. It's not. It is what it is. Everyone comes from a different cloth. Accept it. Even though I like the me aspect of stuff - doesn't mean that I don't or won't or haven't let someone in my crazy world. It's happened and the more it's happened the more I seemed to have shut off from the norm. Hence the statement I made in the beginning - " . . . the decisions we make in life only dictate what will be. It's just a matter of being conscious of what decisions we make." So that has been my unconscious life (which is most of it.)

Something I have never admitted to anyone. I have never been on a date - ever. So this is a beginning for me. I have never found myself attractive nor has the opposite sex for that matter. I have been told that I have a uniqueness about myself. Although the words, cute, pretty, beautiful (until recently), have never crossed the lips of a man that has been in my presence. It's almost like they all discussed it and unique or exotic (that's when their trying to be really nice) are the only descriptions for me. At this point, that doesn't matter as much although it helps set the groundwork for someone who was/is confused about the outside of themselves.

Needless to say I am an outgoing person. People see me (can't help it) I'm not a person that blends in the crowd. I am smiling all the time. My attitude now is so positive it's enought to make you sick yet feel elated (I can do that!). Although with all of that going for me, I walk into my home and the smiles go away, not the positiveness but the me comes out. Alone, but not lonely, sometimes.

I have a daughter that will be turning 18 in about a month and a half. She is my love. She is the reason I am. I see that on a daily basis. She is not with me right now. She has never lived with her father. He lives in Nevada. So she is spending six months with her father and she will be back with me to finish out her senior year and graduate with her friends - then it is off to college!! Oh happy day. So since the end of July I have been here alone. Can't say I don't miss my girl - I do - so much. But I think it is a break we both needed. She needed to see what kind of father she has and I just needed a break. She is learning a hard lesson with him, but it is for the best for her. I just pray that she NEVER ends up with a man like him. I hope that she doesn't "marry her father." Thank God I was never married to him. I apologize in my heart everyday that he is her father - although the twist to all of this is that if he wasn't her father she would not be who she is. Doesn't that suck!!! Needless to say, he was one of the first horrible decisions I have made in my life. But I revert back to my statement again - if not for him she would not be!

So to lay the map out. I have met some wonderful people in my life. People that have made a difference and and steered me in directions that have been good, bad and indifferent. What's unfortunate is that the relationships that we as a human get involved with have such an impact on our lives. They are major roads that we travel and find it hard to get off of when we know that the path is taking us the wrong way.

So hence to say my daughter's father - glad that never resulted in a marriage. Although, I can only predict the therapy that is coming for her in the future. He can cause that. I just find it hard to believe that I layed down with this man at any point in my life. Oh well . . . another life lesson!

So there were a couple of men I met that I had relationships with that have made them special in my life. Although, I am no longer in touch with them - I met them for a reason! Got to say they were wonderful assets to my life.

Then I meet my ex-husband. Enough for now. I will continue this tomorrow. The lioness needs to rest in her den right now . . . Peace and blessings.

made a human attempt . . .

Okay, tonight I meet some friends. I already had a fucked up day today (professionally and personally). I guess the wall must be lowering cause shit does not get to me like it did today. Anyway, so I'm sitting at a bar waiting for some friends. I catch the eye of some guy that is working there. Yeah he's cute, unfortunately he is what two of my friends know is my kryptonite. He fits all of the criteria of the physical nature that attracts me so much yet is not good for me (so far). Anyway . . . all night long we are catching each other's eye. I am frozen. I have been instructed to maintain a long eye contact. I think I did that. It made it worse for me because I didn't know what to do. With my fucked up analytical mind I was trying to put the cart in front of the horse. I was trying to figure out what should I say when he finally stops and gives me attention. Well I never let it come to that. He was a guy that worked there. When I left he had this longing look on his face. Whether it was meant I don't know. I had something inside of me that told me to go introduce myself to him. But I didn't. I wanted to connect with him so bad. But I think he remembered me from my birthday party. I wanted to meet him them too, but I was in another zone at that time!

So I see the eye contact works very well!!! I like that. Now I just need to use it on the guy I am really interested in. I hope to see him tomorrow and a couple of days after that. He's the one I want. But I don't want to just fuck him. It's weird. He's fuckable, don't get me wrong. I want to really get to know him (is that a mistake?). We have a connection (which is what I have with everyone I meet). He doesn't want a girlfriend, I don't want a boyfriend. But I have to figure out what I want myself so I don't mess this up. I want to chill with him and see what happens. I'm trying to work on my poetry. I describe him as three things, a lion, a gladiator and an amusement park. Just use your imagination about that.

Well what progress I made was minor tonight but that's what it's all about. Just so long as I do something that's good. Sweeeeeet dreams.

surrender . . .

It has been a couple of weeks since I have added to this. Maybe this is my process of avoiding something that truly is affecting me inside. But I have to try to overcome this and move on. So, I will make the attempt to submit everyday. It maybe every two days but it will eventually get to everyday.

I was thinking and I realized that all of this fear I have inside is so silly yet I survive off of it. I sometimes feel that if it were gone so would I be. But the realization of it all is that it is just garbage. Remnants of the past in bits and pieces just piling up inside and just causing a junk yard to be established. It has morphed in to food for me. Like fast food - which I don't eat. It's comforting but it's not good for you.

I find that if I just surrender to these fears - not let them take over but do something about them. Anyone will tell you that if you have a conversation with me you will eventually hear "I don't do that . . . " I realized it never fails that I always say that. And the things that I say it to are silly things. They're normally things that would reveal a little something about me that I want to keep behind that stupid wall. So I am going to stop saying that phrase (#1) and (#2) I'm going to surrender to the phrase. I am going to allow myself to experience what I said that I don't do. I can say what I don't do easily, especially if I haven't even tried it. That's not good now is it. I am going to take that little step and put myself there so that I can not say "I don't" and be able to say, "I did", or "I want to", or "It was good for me!"

I'm diggin this but I have to put myself to the test. You have to understand I am TERRIFIED to step out of the box. Freak that I am, the initial start is so difficult. Once I'm in my comfort zone - watch out! I love to enjoy and experience. It's knocking on that door and saying that I'm outside and want to do it - that's my stumbling block. Loving you!!!