Monday, August 17, 2009

surrender . . .

It has been a couple of weeks since I have added to this. Maybe this is my process of avoiding something that truly is affecting me inside. But I have to try to overcome this and move on. So, I will make the attempt to submit everyday. It maybe every two days but it will eventually get to everyday.

I was thinking and I realized that all of this fear I have inside is so silly yet I survive off of it. I sometimes feel that if it were gone so would I be. But the realization of it all is that it is just garbage. Remnants of the past in bits and pieces just piling up inside and just causing a junk yard to be established. It has morphed in to food for me. Like fast food - which I don't eat. It's comforting but it's not good for you.

I find that if I just surrender to these fears - not let them take over but do something about them. Anyone will tell you that if you have a conversation with me you will eventually hear "I don't do that . . . " I realized it never fails that I always say that. And the things that I say it to are silly things. They're normally things that would reveal a little something about me that I want to keep behind that stupid wall. So I am going to stop saying that phrase (#1) and (#2) I'm going to surrender to the phrase. I am going to allow myself to experience what I said that I don't do. I can say what I don't do easily, especially if I haven't even tried it. That's not good now is it. I am going to take that little step and put myself there so that I can not say "I don't" and be able to say, "I did", or "I want to", or "It was good for me!"

I'm diggin this but I have to put myself to the test. You have to understand I am TERRIFIED to step out of the box. Freak that I am, the initial start is so difficult. Once I'm in my comfort zone - watch out! I love to enjoy and experience. It's knocking on that door and saying that I'm outside and want to do it - that's my stumbling block. Loving you!!!

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