not far from the tree . . .

I want to have a relationship with my mother so bad.  It’s not that we don’t have any communication with each other.  We have that.  I have never been able to really have a conversation with her.  Our conversations consist of her asking questions and me answering them.  We don’t talk.  Nothing gets close with us at all.  Mom is too busy trying to solve whatever problems or issues are presented in the Q & A.  She never really just listens.  I once told her about what was going on with me.  It was delusional I know, but I talked and talked.  I did tell her I just wanted to say it just so she could hear it, I didn’t want a conclusion or any answer or fix to my issues.  She listened . . . then she started to offer solutions.  My frustration level didn’t peak but I was disappointed.  I thought she would acknowledge what I said and just listen.  She acknowledged by giving answers.


My frustration now is at a point of really hurting my heart.  Mom will be 82 in three weeks.  I know you can’t change nor do I want to change a person – especially at 81.  I guess all I want from her is acknowledgement of existence.  That I do or am someone.  Sounds crazy I know.  I love this woman like air.  She has always been there for me, she’s always tried to offer solutions – whether I took them or not.   Mom has just always been.  She is such a wonderful person.  Not anyone who has met her says any different.  She’s an angel . . . a saint.  I have no idea where I came from.


There is a downfall to this.  I’m like her.  I realize with my daughter I am the same way.  My daughter and I do talk tho.  She does open up to me.  I know I won’t hear everything but she does share.  That is one thing that I have never been able to do.  The catalyst was not there for me to do it.  However, if I felt it was I’m sure I could.  I think it was there growing up, but I had to be guided to it. 


I think I’m just a victim of my mother’s generation.  I had to figure out everything myself.  Mom was there, but if I mention anything to her like sex, relationships, real personal shit – her reaction alone would reject me.  So I never went any further.  Having to pretend around friends, in the beginning that I knew, but I figured stuff out.  I even bought books that explained things that most find out in the natural events of life.  I’ve always felt as an outsider.  I’ve always listened to the proper way of living and have followed the rules.  Didn’t play the games. Didn’t get in trouble.  Always the trustworthy one.  Not to say that that’s wrong but I believe it’s part of life.  An example, raised my daughter very similar.  She know but picks and chooses.  Lately she’s not picking and choosing she’s all over the place.  She smoked the weed, played dangerous games, did things and put them in photos (not my favorite moments), but she has lived in her short life.  She has even said she was beyond somethings cause she’s done it so much in high school.  I can’t want what I never had but . . . I do.


Where all of this ties in . . . my life.  The way my mother communicates is how I communicate and it sucks.  I’ll just get to it . . . I don’t know how to have a conversation.  I know how to Q & A someone to death . . . I don’t know how to start a conversation without starting it with a question.  I’d like to just randomly bring up a topic and go with it.  I watch people do it and it’s smooth.  I’ve tried it several times.  I can’t believe I actually talk with this mouth.  I’m smart . . . but when I speak no one would know it.  If I’m counseling or getting deep . . . I’m all over it.  Just simple words . . . humph!!  

Life's Lessons . . .

So, as the saga continues, it seems that in life we make our mistakes and learn from them.  We also make mistakes and continuously make the same mistakes over and over again.  Sometimes we never learn and others we do.

Well I hope this is a lesson that was surely learned from action.

To follow up on my daughters latest plight . . . she was given a do-able sentence from the judge.  The judge said that she had to submit to 3 random urine tests and she had to complete a six week on-line drug class.  Not only that, when everything is completed she can get her record expunged from the system, which means that she will have a clean record!  Woo Hoo!!!!  This is the information that we needed to hear.  She’s relieved and so am I!  This is a lesson that has surely been learned by the both of us!!  In my eyes this is the last time that I plan on being involved with my daughter + police + drugs, etc.

The relief has been lifted. Because I am such a worrier type of person I will feel better in 6 – 8 weeks when I know that this is all behind us and she is totally out of the system.  It guess it is what it is . . . life goes on!

What kills me the most is how people said this stuff just happens.  I must have been living in a bubble.  None of my friends have had this scare or situation happen to them at all - I haven't.  I have a wide assortment of friends/associates.  I knew the ones that were trouble, it was expected!  Now for the majority of the ones I hung around – it just didn’t happen.  So when you surround yourself around these types of people, "the good people",  you just think that the possibility of your child being exposed to the “bad elements” just couldn’t be possible.  As life goes on you try to expose and teach the children to the things that you would like for them to know when they enter the world like making decisions, choosing the people they surround themselves with, making up their bed every day, wearing clean underwear, etc . . . you know, the important things in life!  But as we all know we can only do so much.

 You let them out of the house and now they are exposed to the elements and situations that we all have to deal with as adults . . .  young adults.  Hmmm . . . you start thinking really? . . .  did I miss some subjects in the life lessons in the home schooling sessions for the last 18 years?  Well I’ve realized that no we/I didn’t.  I gave her the tools to deal with life . . . what happens are the choices that she made in the situations that presented themselves to her . . . CHOICES is the key.  The tools were there!

Well it’s not quite a happy ending like in the fairy book stories I used to read her  . . . it’s more like happy ending for now . . . .

Friendship across the miles . . .

So my best friend sends me a text that a mutual friend of ours was coming by her place and she wanted to skype when he got there.  I agreed.  So we skype each other and my bff is there with our mutual friend, Lance.  It was so good to see them both.  To be across the miles and see the two people that I hang out with, talk to, share secrets with, and drink with right in front of me was surreal.  Don’t get me wrong I skype all the time but to have your bff’s on the other side of the screen makes a big difference.  The three of us each had drinks and started to catch up with each other.

Well Lance is Russian and as we are drinking he’s feeling good.  So he disappears and returns with a cd.  He puts the cd in the laptop and the music starts to play.  It some techno music with a beat.  A typical Russian dance club song.  All of a sudden Lance moves the computer camera and he starts to strip!!!  Yes, strip!!!!  He stripped all the way down to his black briefs.  Baby!!!!  He was already gorgeous with his clothes on . . . can I tell you how much more better looking he got as they came off.  (hmmmm . . . is that the distance talking and the 2 yrs) . . . anyway he’s moving and grooving.  I’m waving dollar bills on the screen, my bff is in the background enjoying it right along with me.  My God!!!! What a sweet treat I got this afternoon!!!!!

Now that’s what I call a good friend!!!  The gift that just keeps on giving!! 
 

So we’re all talking and sharing.  Not only am I going through something called Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression, winter blues  here in the artic.  Now I have my friends there smiling, talking and drinking in the cyber world with me.  I couldn’t take much more of the fun. 

I ended our conversation seconds before the tears started to fall . . . . I never cry . . . I can say it was a sad but good cry.  Best part, my Bff called me back cause she knew how I felt and we had to get off the phone cause she was going to do the same.

Friendship across the miles . . . . eHe

Awakening . . . really?

Okay, daughter turned 20 four days ago . . . gulp!!! GULP again . . . It is really an eye opener.  Can you believe she and I will be the same age in 9 years!!!!  WTF!!!  Even she acknowledged that.  It’s good the daughter is on the same page you know?

Lots has happened with her.  She’s had some dealings with the law.  Everyone told me that all kids do this . . . well I never did it . . . nor did I think that my child would do it.  So I have gone into Mother Mode . . . I HATE Mother Mode.  She got busted with possession of the wacky tobaky!!  I found out she was smoking it about a year ago.  I had the discussion of the choices you make in life . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah.  Well now she’s in the moment of the Mom “I told you so” phase of life.  My mother always said . . . I raised you right . . . the decisions you make after that are beyond my control – but you know what is wrong and what is right. 

Well, her school has suspended her indefinitely . . . her grades this semester were the best she’s ever had (makes you wonder if the tobaky might have something to do with that.!?)  She was suspended right before mid-terms.  She’s going to have to do the semester over.  1^st Semester of the sophomore year . . . Uuuuggghh!!!!  She still has to go to court to get the charges dropped or dismissed and the school will take her back.  This morning, waking me up, her history professor called me and suggested that I go to the school and speak to the president of the school . . . damn right I’m going to do that.  Thing is, I know she was wrong.  But from what everyone is telling me . . . she’s doing what apparently everyone else has done – except for me!!!  So the saga continues.  Court date is next week.  She’s doing all of this by herself.  She found a lawyer that I could afford – barely.  She’s handling this. 

Outside of this, my child has been the SHIT!!!!  She’s on her own in a state that we have no family and she is doing her thing.  She is very aware that this is the first and last time mom is stepping in.  She was raised knowing this.  In fact, she reminded me of this when I retained the lawyer.  So something else happens . . . hope she has some good friends.

About 2:30 p.m.

As for me, I am still on the road.  I’m in Alaska now.  Very interesting tour for me.  Nothing to do here – I’m in a remote area (very beautiful).  You would think that I could get some writing or sex or something going on.  No such luck. As the days go we are losing our sun and it’s down to 5 hours a day of sunlight.  Everyday we lose sunlight.  By the time I leave I’m told we will have only one hour of sun.  All I do is sleep.  But today I am writing . . . good thing . . . hope I’m expressing well.  I forgot about the blog so I hope to focus a little more on this now.  As for sex . . . it’s been 2 years now.  What’s funny is that I haven’t dried up or gone crazy.  I’m just wetter and hoping I can trust someone to release. . you feel me!  (that has to happen soon!! )

All of the stuff you hear about Alaska and the men . . . well I am nowhere near any of those areas.  So eventually when I get where I can explode I will let you know.  Meanwhile, I will continue to write my poetry and talk to you all. 

Right now, I’m thankful for my travels and having my mom and daughter with whom I love . . . and of course you guys!!!

~ peace

WTF???

I read my last post . . . WTF!!!! I literally had a pity party and posted it. I think I’m over it now. WOW WOW WOW. I am glad that I got it out. Boy have things changed since then!!!! I have since moved. I moved 2,836 miles or 4,563.12 Kilometers away. Funny how things go in life. The way I am wired I think the universe was waiting for me to vocalize what was going on with me so that I could purge and then let me live life. Well, if that was so . . . it worked
.

Six months prior to me writing that post I was accepted in a program at work where I travel all over the United States. I get orders in my e-mail and go wherever I am needed and work. Two months here 4 months there . . . Maryland . . . Seattle . . . Vegas . . . Los Angeles . . . I love it. It’s something that I have wanted to do when my daughter graduated from high school. Well the universe provided . . . and I got it. Out of 183 people I was chosen . . . feels like it was meant to be!!!

So I go on the road and then I am homeported. I am needed back home. So I’m home for 2- 3 months . . . then I write the post. Not long after that I received another gift I asked from the universe . . . it provided. An opportunity to transfer to a tropical island came open. I hesitated a day, applied and was approved to transfer in four hours. WTF?????? What do you do when you get what you want? Do you take it . . . I did!

Okay, so now I travel and I am moving to a tropical island (2,836 miles away) ~ what do I do? What would you do???? Me too . . . I did it. I was given until January to show up at my new location. Mind you I have lived in my home one year longer than I have had my daughter . . . she’s 19. Yep, 18 years of living in a house. I wasn’t as bad as the “Hoarder”, however I felt that way. I had a lot of living in that house. After procrastinating, I asked for help to get the house emptied. Had friends over. Only one friend actually saw this project through with me and when I left. We started late October and the house was not completed until March 2011. Yes, three months after I moved. It was a mess. She worked with my mother and things got done. Talk about invaluable friends. Who would do that for someone? I am so blessed!!!!

Needless to say now the house is on the selling block. My mom is handling that at the amount of guilt runs through my veins. My mother’s impeccable credit has been going away because we are short selling but that takes a while and the bank is foreclosing. I believe the short selling will prevail but with the foreclosure actions of the bank the credit slowly slips away and the bottom line ~ you still get to sell your home but your credit is gone. Shitty.

I’m working through that. Once I got to the island . . . 7 days later I have orders to go on the road. To this day since January 2011 I have been home (the island) approximately 2 ½ - 3 weeks total this year. I love travelling. I live in an efficiency apartment. I don’t have a car yet so every time I go home I have to rent. I am determined to have one by the time I return a month from tomorrow.

I’m in Michigan now for two months – half way through now. I am enjoying my stay – just so long as I am out of here before the cold weather sets in.

Well that’s my life in scroll down the page!!! Oh . . . one more new thing. My daughter goes back to school to start her second year. I apply for a loan and try to be a co-signer for her on a school loan. We’re/I’m denied. It’s the wrath of the house – it has hit my credit. So, she went to Financial Aid and made a deal and she is in school. She is so determined. I love the crazy girl . . . even tho the streak of bitchiness surfaces every now and then. Love her!!!!!

Needless to say, I am out of the funk I apparently was in last year. I LOVE LIFE!!!! I am starting to love me more too.

I’m a little weary from writing . . . so I will add another time. Not too sure if I am proofing this. Not feeling it right now – oh well.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess Einstein was right when he wrote that quote. To define what is insane is only relative to the person going through or experiencing it. I feel like I am touching on that.

All my life I have held it together. Being an only child. Having my child and being harassed by her father. Trying to maintain a life for the both of us. Lots of band-aids along the way. Surviving a relationship filled with at least 8 defined abuses ~ mind you I allowed it to happen to me. I blame myself and still put a lot on my ex-husband. Surviving a daughter who has pushed me to limits – limits that I care not to think about because of the decisions I made sometimes good/bad. Dealing with the ongoing, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly stress of money. Mourning the loss of my beloved dog (not being here when he died), mourning the loss of my daughter (who is at college now). Both gone around the same time. The feeling of emptiness and not being able to go back to what was before to mend, or laugh or enjoy what was. The past is history. I don’t want the history I want the feelings again. I want the want to go on.

My house looks like the award winning poster child of the show “Hoarding.” I have not brought myself up to start even cleaning or straightening up. My house is a mess. It only represents what is going on inside of me. I am feeling sad. I am so feeling like giving up. I don’t know what all of this feels like. I am just going through this now. I wonder if I am going through the stages of mourning. I don’t know, but I don’t like this feeling of not having control over my feelings. This is so new to me. I don’t cry. But I feel like crying but I’m not – it’s a weakness – a crutch. A sign that I cannot deal with life or things that I should be handling.

I have two friends that want to come over and help me get my house in order. I can’t allow that to happen because I need to climb that mountain by myself. I have to know that I can do this myself – alone. Whether you call that a control issue . . . okay. It’s a control issue. One I cannot let go.

I’ve gained 19 lbs. and I can see it. I’m going to try to go to the gym. That is my sanctuary. That is something I have avoided like cleaning the house. As you can see, I am in the circle of insanity.

I keep on not doing what I should do and I’m expecting things to change miraculously ~ how is that going to happen. I’m a reasonable smart person but right now I feel like a 16 year old who wants to run away and not come back. I’ve never felt that way before either. I am hurting inside and I can’t seem to tap it. I’m going to use the obvious ~ which is loss. If that is it – it needs to pass through.

I need to get my shit together!

Transition . . .

My job changed. Which is great. I travel. I love it. My daughter graduated from high school and now she is across the country going to college. She’s doing great. While on the road my dog, which was sick – died. I didn’t get a chance to see him or hold him before I got back. He died two days before I returned home.

So I get my daughter settled in school. I’m sent back home about a week later and I walk into a very, very, empty house. Wow. I thought transitioning to this was going to be great. But at the time I thought my dog would be here and being by myself free falling was going to be wonderful. Instead, I’m suffering from loss. Although we wait for our children to grow, learn and mature ~ we also can’t wait for them to get out of the house and start living life. Well damnit, my daughter has done that. She did what I expected her to do. But like her, I got what I asked for. Now I have to deal with it. Funny, I hear from her just about every day (I think I did that when I went to college too.) Now that I am home and not on the road for a little while my life is stagnant. I thought I would be able to get a bunch of stuff done. I think I will when I get over this overwhelming feeling of loss inside of me. My dog was supposed to be at my side too. I miss him terribly too.

Nothing of accomplishment is getting done. I don’t even go to the gym anymore. I will get back but I’m struggling. Not that I don’t want to work out (that’s like a drug for me – I looovvvveee working out). I for some reason can’t bring myself to do it. Dishes aren’t getting done. Clothes aren’t being picked up, washed timely, ironed timely or folded timely. The house is a wreck. I’m a wreck right now. I’m trying to snap out of it – but I’m struggling.

Funny how 18 years ago my independence, solitude and free-to-do what I wanted when Iwanted was halted by this beautiful, wonderful, bundle of love and joy that has given me gray hairs and I love every strand of it. Well, she grows up and I’m the one that doesn’t know what to do with the freedom I possessed 18 years ago! Go figure!

happy new year . . .

Happy New Year! Yep, another one gone and a new one to now conquer. What’s funny is that we always want to have a better year but it seems like each year that goes by it doesn’t change much. Well, that’s because we tend to continue to do the same things over and over again and nothing changes. Or we start out doing things different and we tend to slide back into our old habits.

Well, I won’t make the promise that I will change my whole world or that things will be different because it is the 1 January 2010. I can say that I will make a very good attempt of continuing to live my life with the hopefully more vigor and knowledge. Can’t guarantee that things will “change” but I hope to make wise decisions and learn more on a daily basis. Most importantly, I’ll continue to give back – hopefully more.

I wish everyone a productive year and continue on what you’ve been doing if it is positive and will give satisfaction!!!

Loving you all – growwwl ~ Lioness . . .

not a breakdown . . .

Okay, time went by so fast that Christmas has already come and gone and I'm still not ready. Don't worry . . . I'm not having a breakdown. Just trying to pull myself together ~ it's good stuff. I promise . . . I'll be back soon. Happy Holidays!!!!

taking a break . . .

I'll be back . . . just taking a mental break. Happy Thanksgiving!!