not far from the tree . . .

I want to have a relationship with my mother so bad.  It’s not that we don’t have any communication with each other.  We have that.  I have never been able to really have a conversation with her.  Our conversations consist of her asking questions and me answering them.  We don’t talk.  Nothing gets close with us at all.  Mom is too busy trying to solve whatever problems or issues are presented in the Q & A.  She never really just listens.  I once told her about what was going on with me.  It was delusional I know, but I talked and talked.  I did tell her I just wanted to say it just so she could hear it, I didn’t want a conclusion or any answer or fix to my issues.  She listened . . . then she started to offer solutions.  My frustration level didn’t peak but I was disappointed.  I thought she would acknowledge what I said and just listen.  She acknowledged by giving answers.


My frustration now is at a point of really hurting my heart.  Mom will be 82 in three weeks.  I know you can’t change nor do I want to change a person – especially at 81.  I guess all I want from her is acknowledgement of existence.  That I do or am someone.  Sounds crazy I know.  I love this woman like air.  She has always been there for me, she’s always tried to offer solutions – whether I took them or not.   Mom has just always been.  She is such a wonderful person.  Not anyone who has met her says any different.  She’s an angel . . . a saint.  I have no idea where I came from.


There is a downfall to this.  I’m like her.  I realize with my daughter I am the same way.  My daughter and I do talk tho.  She does open up to me.  I know I won’t hear everything but she does share.  That is one thing that I have never been able to do.  The catalyst was not there for me to do it.  However, if I felt it was I’m sure I could.  I think it was there growing up, but I had to be guided to it. 


I think I’m just a victim of my mother’s generation.  I had to figure out everything myself.  Mom was there, but if I mention anything to her like sex, relationships, real personal shit – her reaction alone would reject me.  So I never went any further.  Having to pretend around friends, in the beginning that I knew, but I figured stuff out.  I even bought books that explained things that most find out in the natural events of life.  I’ve always felt as an outsider.  I’ve always listened to the proper way of living and have followed the rules.  Didn’t play the games. Didn’t get in trouble.  Always the trustworthy one.  Not to say that that’s wrong but I believe it’s part of life.  An example, raised my daughter very similar.  She know but picks and chooses.  Lately she’s not picking and choosing she’s all over the place.  She smoked the weed, played dangerous games, did things and put them in photos (not my favorite moments), but she has lived in her short life.  She has even said she was beyond somethings cause she’s done it so much in high school.  I can’t want what I never had but . . . I do.


Where all of this ties in . . . my life.  The way my mother communicates is how I communicate and it sucks.  I’ll just get to it . . . I don’t know how to have a conversation.  I know how to Q & A someone to death . . . I don’t know how to start a conversation without starting it with a question.  I’d like to just randomly bring up a topic and go with it.  I watch people do it and it’s smooth.  I’ve tried it several times.  I can’t believe I actually talk with this mouth.  I’m smart . . . but when I speak no one would know it.  If I’m counseling or getting deep . . . I’m all over it.  Just simple words . . . humph!!  

choo . . . choo . . . train!

I spoke to my daughter and she told me she wanted to come home. She hated her father. She just did not want to be there. They had a fight a few days ago. (I don't know what it was about or what happened.) I asked her if she and her father talked ~ she said he wouldn't talk to her. So I go into this whole mother to daughter from the heart speech about how important it is o communicate, this is probably the last time she will have with her father, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you're a mom you know what I had to say.

So she goes on and says she want to go. Okay, so I call her father. He never speaks to me or takes my calls. He sends anything he has to say to me through her. Sucks. But I really, really, truly appreciate and enjoy the lack of direct contact I do have with him . . . ewww. Anyway, I called him, he actually answered the phone and listened to me. Really? He actually let me speak ~ so I did. Went into the speech for fathers, someone has to take the helm of this relationship (him and my daughter), last opportunity they will have before she goes off to school, blah, blah, blah, blah. He responded back surprisingly with intelligent conversation . . . okay. Progress?

Talk to the daughter later . . . her father tells her that she is coming back home. That was his rendition of talking to her!! Hellova communicator, huh? Oh, he also tells her to pack her things, she's leaving in three hours! Gasp!!! WTF??? She tells me she'll be flying in this evening.

I call the genetic donator and he tells me that she's not flying in. He is putting her on the train today and she will be her tomorrow around 7 p.m. At this point, the only thing stopping me from coming through the phone is that it is physically impossible!!!

I talk to her. He gives her no suitcase (she went out there driving with him and her clothes were in tubs). He takes her to grab some food for the trip. She has a little knapsack (from what she's telling me), her ipod and a book. He kisses her on the forehead, puts her on the train - it's done. Again, WTF? The only feeling of relief that I have is the fact that she is on her way back to HOME - you know someplace where someone or your things love and appreciate you.

So that is a quick summary of what's up. My minnie me will be home tomorrow around this time. Looking forward to watching Desperate Housewives with her (her favorite show ~ show I tolerate with her). Isn't that momdome is all about!!!