Looking for Love 101 . . .

Is it looking for love?  The yearning of wanting to be with someone is always in my breathing pattern.  However, when I think about it if I do have someone I get suffocated.  I think that is because it is not the right one that I should be with.  I haven’t had many “real” relationships.  In fact, all of the relationships I have had have been toxic.  So much so that the toxicity level rose so much that the last relationship I was in was domestic violence, which has shut me down.     

It has been six and a half years since the ink has been dry on my divorce pages.  I don’t even consider myself ever married.  I don’t remember my wedding date or much about what should have been a special day and time of my life.  Who cares.  I know I went through some struggle – that’s all I remember.  (I guess the old adage is true – people only remember the bad over the good.)  Anyway . . . I am not a hater of any sort of marriage.  In fact, I am a proponent of marriage.  I think if someone has found the person that they love and want to spend the rest of their life with them I am such a supporter of that.  I have not found that yet – but I am sure it is still possible for me. 

After all that I have gone through, I sought out health resolutions for my situation/issues.  I was in counseling for 3 years.  The kind that strip you down to nothing and start you off from before birth.  Allowed me the chance to analyze the relationships in my life and the decisions I have made which has gotten me where I am today.  What’s killing me is I know I am ready . . . but I am not ready for the bullshit.  I am ready for fun . . . reciprocity . . . love . . . and whatever comes.  Really need that humor too. 

So I meet this guy last night.  He’s tall, stays in shape – great body – gives great hugs and is all cool.  I pick him up to go to a dinner party with a mutual friend.  He can’t drive at night.  He is slowly going blind.  During the day he is great but as the shadows of the night come he can’t see.  So we’re driving to our mutual friend’s house.  I’m thinking wow, attractive and he’s a masseur.  He does pedicures and manicure’s and is straight as a board.  Has lived here on the island for the last  9 years.  What more could I ask for.  I’m getting excited.   

So the island is only 26 miles long.  I had to pick him up on one end and drive almost to the other end.  I saw the red flag 10 minutes into the ride.  I knew something was wrong.  I guess not wrong but I had to lower my expectations because I couldn’t expect anything that I wanted.  I heard his life story by the time we reached the dinner party.  Not a good sign.  Everything was out there.  The last part is that he’s been separated from his wife and going through a divorce for the last three months.  Uugghh!!!! The baggage.  He has so much work to do to get to a point of being enjoyed.  However, he did share with me what he wants from a woman.  It was enough to either run and hide or cream your panties.  For me it was more of the creaming and I have my shoes by the door.  Here’s a piece of what he wants: . . . I’m not lonely for people.  I’m lonely for love.  I love to touch hold kiss, do her hands and feet, brush her hair, talk about how her day went, soak in the tug together, do facials for each other, walk on the beach holding hands, make love in the sand.  Cook together, sleep nude.  Wake up and tell each other love you. I like hanging out with a dog than most people.  But my queen would be my life. I love to love and be loved back, it’s just who I am.  I want to live for my queen and she of me.  We would be as one in love.  Okay . . . when I received this message we had not known each other 24 hours.  However, a note, this was not to me. This was a description of what he wants in life.  I will hand it to him that he has a goal and is dead set on achieving it.  Hell, what he said is exactly what I want too.  However, there are factors in this whole scenario.  First, why do I know all of this in under 24 hours – not a good sign; all of that sounds great yet a little suffocating – if hitting it with friends every now and then is doable – works for me.    

Well if you know me, I had to put all of that on line for him. A kind of grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him sort of thing.  Letting him know that he has some work to do before he get’s that.  He’s had a history of the same person different wig not appreciating him.  When you put your heart on your sleeve like that all kinds of vultures are going to come in and take advantage.  Plus, he was/is blinded by the light also.  So I got real with him.  He actually appreciated my words . . . there is hope!!!  I tend to be a little to real for some.  I won’t be soft so I guess it is what it is. 

I’m going home to see mom for my birthday week.  When I come back he and I will hang.  He’s good people.  He’s another one that my bestie would say, “Why didn’t you sleep with him, he’s gorgeous.  You do that all the time.  All these handsome men and you never at least sleep with them.”  I don’t know what that says about me but okay.  In my head my legs are to the windows and the sweat is on.  But that’s only in my head I guess.    

I’m sure there is more out there . . . nice guy but . . .  PASS!!!!