not far from the tree . . .

I want to have a relationship with my mother so bad.  It’s not that we don’t have any communication with each other.  We have that.  I have never been able to really have a conversation with her.  Our conversations consist of her asking questions and me answering them.  We don’t talk.  Nothing gets close with us at all.  Mom is too busy trying to solve whatever problems or issues are presented in the Q & A.  She never really just listens.  I once told her about what was going on with me.  It was delusional I know, but I talked and talked.  I did tell her I just wanted to say it just so she could hear it, I didn’t want a conclusion or any answer or fix to my issues.  She listened . . . then she started to offer solutions.  My frustration level didn’t peak but I was disappointed.  I thought she would acknowledge what I said and just listen.  She acknowledged by giving answers.


My frustration now is at a point of really hurting my heart.  Mom will be 82 in three weeks.  I know you can’t change nor do I want to change a person – especially at 81.  I guess all I want from her is acknowledgement of existence.  That I do or am someone.  Sounds crazy I know.  I love this woman like air.  She has always been there for me, she’s always tried to offer solutions – whether I took them or not.   Mom has just always been.  She is such a wonderful person.  Not anyone who has met her says any different.  She’s an angel . . . a saint.  I have no idea where I came from.


There is a downfall to this.  I’m like her.  I realize with my daughter I am the same way.  My daughter and I do talk tho.  She does open up to me.  I know I won’t hear everything but she does share.  That is one thing that I have never been able to do.  The catalyst was not there for me to do it.  However, if I felt it was I’m sure I could.  I think it was there growing up, but I had to be guided to it. 


I think I’m just a victim of my mother’s generation.  I had to figure out everything myself.  Mom was there, but if I mention anything to her like sex, relationships, real personal shit – her reaction alone would reject me.  So I never went any further.  Having to pretend around friends, in the beginning that I knew, but I figured stuff out.  I even bought books that explained things that most find out in the natural events of life.  I’ve always felt as an outsider.  I’ve always listened to the proper way of living and have followed the rules.  Didn’t play the games. Didn’t get in trouble.  Always the trustworthy one.  Not to say that that’s wrong but I believe it’s part of life.  An example, raised my daughter very similar.  She know but picks and chooses.  Lately she’s not picking and choosing she’s all over the place.  She smoked the weed, played dangerous games, did things and put them in photos (not my favorite moments), but she has lived in her short life.  She has even said she was beyond somethings cause she’s done it so much in high school.  I can’t want what I never had but . . . I do.


Where all of this ties in . . . my life.  The way my mother communicates is how I communicate and it sucks.  I’ll just get to it . . . I don’t know how to have a conversation.  I know how to Q & A someone to death . . . I don’t know how to start a conversation without starting it with a question.  I’d like to just randomly bring up a topic and go with it.  I watch people do it and it’s smooth.  I’ve tried it several times.  I can’t believe I actually talk with this mouth.  I’m smart . . . but when I speak no one would know it.  If I’m counseling or getting deep . . . I’m all over it.  Just simple words . . . humph!!  

Get up off your ass!

I realized I am not making room in my life for what I want. This is not some revelation. But, I have some things that I really want to do and my mentality lately has been that of a teenager (“it’ll just happen, give it time”, “I’m tired, I’ll do it tomorrow”, “I’m sure there’s an easier way to accomplish this, let me try that instead.”)
I want to move. My daughter graduates from high school in May (wow, what a struggle!) I will right now apologize to my mother for any stress and strain that I put on her. I would also like to acknowledge the curse that my mother put on me (I’m sure this will sound familiar to some of you). “I wish you a daughter just like you.” Has that come true for anyone???? I got that plus! Anyway, college selection, ACT, SAT, senior year activities, this stuff with her father/daughter drama recently. Auugghhh!

To get back to the point, moving. Which means getting my daughter in college then I can focus on me. My job is great. I have an opportunity to travel with it and make a little more money, see the world, flexibility to see my daughter at school ~ nice. I can still move basically anywhere and keep my job ~ ain’t life grande! But I can’t do all of this unless I make room for it in my life. My house needs so much work from the outside in. It is overwhelming!! I have a lifetime of things to throw away and donate to charity. It needs some handyman work. As soon as I put my mind on it ~ I lose interest/energy and procrastination sets in and I’m back in the labyrinth of life again.

So it’s my day off today and I’m going to try to make a move. I do have to tell you a little misconception. In my profile it says that I live in the Virgin Islands. Well . . . that’s where I am planning to be in I hope a year and half or so. I am putting myself where I want to be and living in that time to help accomplish what I need to do to get there. (does that make sense?) I travel there quite often. My last trip was to find land/a home. I have friends that I have made through my travels who are helping me with the feat. I am no longer a visitor - it is my home – from the moment I stepped off the plane. (that’s another blog). I can transfer there with my job too. So it’s just me getting my stuff together and getting off my ass to make this happen. I actually live in the mid-west.

I think what sparked this blog today was the snow that is beating against my window. You’ve got to understand, I wasn’t raised here, came here for college and ended up staying. But I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, the snow. My daughter’s graduation cannot come any sooner. I have been waiting for the class of 2010 to march down the aisle and start their new lives!!!! Selfish . . . maybe – but I really don’t give a damn! Get me out of this place!!!!! I want to go home!!!! Btw – my daughter can’t stand the cold either. She’s looking at warm colleges like in Florida (see she’ll be close by for visits when this move is in affect)!!!

So as you see, I have some frustration and motivation is beating against the window. I am my own worst enemy!!!

I am a sleeper. I can sleep until 12 in the afternoon. But for some reason I woke up (it’s 6:30 a.m.) With these words on my mind. Let’s see what I can get accomplished today. God knows I’m not stepping a foot outside - I don’t have to until Friday. Maybe all that white stuff will melt away by then! It’s been great talking to you – I’m out!

Wish me luck!

(P.S. you know getting up this early – I’m owed a nap this afternoon (damn it, is that procrastination talking again . . . sorry!)

Hey, read my next blog it's an extra insert to this one: procrastination pays off.