Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess Einstein was right when he wrote that quote. To define what is insane is only relative to the person going through or experiencing it. I feel like I am touching on that.

All my life I have held it together. Being an only child. Having my child and being harassed by her father. Trying to maintain a life for the both of us. Lots of band-aids along the way. Surviving a relationship filled with at least 8 defined abuses ~ mind you I allowed it to happen to me. I blame myself and still put a lot on my ex-husband. Surviving a daughter who has pushed me to limits – limits that I care not to think about because of the decisions I made sometimes good/bad. Dealing with the ongoing, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly stress of money. Mourning the loss of my beloved dog (not being here when he died), mourning the loss of my daughter (who is at college now). Both gone around the same time. The feeling of emptiness and not being able to go back to what was before to mend, or laugh or enjoy what was. The past is history. I don’t want the history I want the feelings again. I want the want to go on.

My house looks like the award winning poster child of the show “Hoarding.” I have not brought myself up to start even cleaning or straightening up. My house is a mess. It only represents what is going on inside of me. I am feeling sad. I am so feeling like giving up. I don’t know what all of this feels like. I am just going through this now. I wonder if I am going through the stages of mourning. I don’t know, but I don’t like this feeling of not having control over my feelings. This is so new to me. I don’t cry. But I feel like crying but I’m not – it’s a weakness – a crutch. A sign that I cannot deal with life or things that I should be handling.

I have two friends that want to come over and help me get my house in order. I can’t allow that to happen because I need to climb that mountain by myself. I have to know that I can do this myself – alone. Whether you call that a control issue . . . okay. It’s a control issue. One I cannot let go.

I’ve gained 19 lbs. and I can see it. I’m going to try to go to the gym. That is my sanctuary. That is something I have avoided like cleaning the house. As you can see, I am in the circle of insanity.

I keep on not doing what I should do and I’m expecting things to change miraculously ~ how is that going to happen. I’m a reasonable smart person but right now I feel like a 16 year old who wants to run away and not come back. I’ve never felt that way before either. I am hurting inside and I can’t seem to tap it. I’m going to use the obvious ~ which is loss. If that is it – it needs to pass through.

I need to get my shit together!