Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess Einstein was right when he wrote that quote. To define what is insane is only relative to the person going through or experiencing it. I feel like I am touching on that.

All my life I have held it together. Being an only child. Having my child and being harassed by her father. Trying to maintain a life for the both of us. Lots of band-aids along the way. Surviving a relationship filled with at least 8 defined abuses ~ mind you I allowed it to happen to me. I blame myself and still put a lot on my ex-husband. Surviving a daughter who has pushed me to limits – limits that I care not to think about because of the decisions I made sometimes good/bad. Dealing with the ongoing, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly stress of money. Mourning the loss of my beloved dog (not being here when he died), mourning the loss of my daughter (who is at college now). Both gone around the same time. The feeling of emptiness and not being able to go back to what was before to mend, or laugh or enjoy what was. The past is history. I don’t want the history I want the feelings again. I want the want to go on.

My house looks like the award winning poster child of the show “Hoarding.” I have not brought myself up to start even cleaning or straightening up. My house is a mess. It only represents what is going on inside of me. I am feeling sad. I am so feeling like giving up. I don’t know what all of this feels like. I am just going through this now. I wonder if I am going through the stages of mourning. I don’t know, but I don’t like this feeling of not having control over my feelings. This is so new to me. I don’t cry. But I feel like crying but I’m not – it’s a weakness – a crutch. A sign that I cannot deal with life or things that I should be handling.

I have two friends that want to come over and help me get my house in order. I can’t allow that to happen because I need to climb that mountain by myself. I have to know that I can do this myself – alone. Whether you call that a control issue . . . okay. It’s a control issue. One I cannot let go.

I’ve gained 19 lbs. and I can see it. I’m going to try to go to the gym. That is my sanctuary. That is something I have avoided like cleaning the house. As you can see, I am in the circle of insanity.

I keep on not doing what I should do and I’m expecting things to change miraculously ~ how is that going to happen. I’m a reasonable smart person but right now I feel like a 16 year old who wants to run away and not come back. I’ve never felt that way before either. I am hurting inside and I can’t seem to tap it. I’m going to use the obvious ~ which is loss. If that is it – it needs to pass through.

I need to get my shit together!

Transition . . .

My job changed. Which is great. I travel. I love it. My daughter graduated from high school and now she is across the country going to college. She’s doing great. While on the road my dog, which was sick – died. I didn’t get a chance to see him or hold him before I got back. He died two days before I returned home.

So I get my daughter settled in school. I’m sent back home about a week later and I walk into a very, very, empty house. Wow. I thought transitioning to this was going to be great. But at the time I thought my dog would be here and being by myself free falling was going to be wonderful. Instead, I’m suffering from loss. Although we wait for our children to grow, learn and mature ~ we also can’t wait for them to get out of the house and start living life. Well damnit, my daughter has done that. She did what I expected her to do. But like her, I got what I asked for. Now I have to deal with it. Funny, I hear from her just about every day (I think I did that when I went to college too.) Now that I am home and not on the road for a little while my life is stagnant. I thought I would be able to get a bunch of stuff done. I think I will when I get over this overwhelming feeling of loss inside of me. My dog was supposed to be at my side too. I miss him terribly too.

Nothing of accomplishment is getting done. I don’t even go to the gym anymore. I will get back but I’m struggling. Not that I don’t want to work out (that’s like a drug for me – I looovvvveee working out). I for some reason can’t bring myself to do it. Dishes aren’t getting done. Clothes aren’t being picked up, washed timely, ironed timely or folded timely. The house is a wreck. I’m a wreck right now. I’m trying to snap out of it – but I’m struggling.

Funny how 18 years ago my independence, solitude and free-to-do what I wanted when Iwanted was halted by this beautiful, wonderful, bundle of love and joy that has given me gray hairs and I love every strand of it. Well, she grows up and I’m the one that doesn’t know what to do with the freedom I possessed 18 years ago! Go figure!

happy new year . . .

Happy New Year! Yep, another one gone and a new one to now conquer. What’s funny is that we always want to have a better year but it seems like each year that goes by it doesn’t change much. Well, that’s because we tend to continue to do the same things over and over again and nothing changes. Or we start out doing things different and we tend to slide back into our old habits.

Well, I won’t make the promise that I will change my whole world or that things will be different because it is the 1 January 2010. I can say that I will make a very good attempt of continuing to live my life with the hopefully more vigor and knowledge. Can’t guarantee that things will “change” but I hope to make wise decisions and learn more on a daily basis. Most importantly, I’ll continue to give back – hopefully more.

I wish everyone a productive year and continue on what you’ve been doing if it is positive and will give satisfaction!!!

Loving you all – growwwl ~ Lioness . . .

not a breakdown . . .

Okay, time went by so fast that Christmas has already come and gone and I'm still not ready. Don't worry . . . I'm not having a breakdown. Just trying to pull myself together ~ it's good stuff. I promise . . . I'll be back soon. Happy Holidays!!!!

taking a break . . .

I'll be back . . . just taking a mental break. Happy Thanksgiving!!

morning pages . . .

Years ago I was guided to a book call the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I can’t even tell you how many years it has been since I read the book. But I keep on re-reading (if that’s a word) it when I am blocked creatively. Not only that I read it because it is such an inspirational book.

It has exercises that are given to help free the mind and allow the creativity to just flow. It is for any kind of artist or person that wants to just be. It helps from the blocked person to the person that has so many creative ideas and it harnesses the best part of being creative and allows you to work with it. I absolutely adore this book. She has others, but this is the grounding book for me.

The book starts out with the doing the exercise of the “morning pages.” When you immediately wake up in the morning you grab your spiral notebook and write for three pages straight (no more), always by long hand whatever is in your head. It does not have to make sense. If you have nothing to say then write down you have nothing to say. You just write until stuff comes up. There are some days you struggle because your head is just empty. This exercise is to dump out what is in that cranium so that you can allow the creativity room to breathe. It is great! Most importantly it’s a discipline. You have to do it everyday. What’s funny about it is that you don’t have to think about what you’re going to write – it just comes. All you need to do is have paper and pen/pencil in hand and write. It does work. As for the other exercises that are in the book, I have not yet gotten intimate with them due to the fact that I am in a mad affair with the first exercise. I am starting to break away and move on in the book to start the other exercises. Mind you I have owned this book almost 12 years. Okay, I’m a little slow, but I am devoted – can’t complain about that!!! Maybe that’s why I’m still struggling with this creativity thing – at least expanding it more.

So, I was doing my morning pages this morning. All of a sudden I realized I was writing about my childhood summers. I started to remember things that I haven’t thought of in a multitude of years. Things started just pushing out of my head. Names of people, things I used to do, the warmth of the sun while we laid in the park. The innocence of summer and all the things that now I am terrified and always worried that something would happen to my daughter – like walking through a huge park, in New Jersey, at night, with no one around. Yeah, used to do that ~ but it was safe yet it wasn’t but it was different. Everyone knew who you were because you were so and so’s daughter, or cousin. Couldn’t get away with anything because the whole neighborhood had eyes. By the time I would get home my father would have already known what’s up.

As I look back it was great! Spending my school days in Bronx, NYC and then my summers in New Jersey. For some, unless you lived in Jersey, it’s not that bad!!! It was and still is, depending on where you are, the suburbia of NYC as far as I’m concerned. Still two different worlds but still fun.

I had some not so good memories too, but those are the ones remember the most. It sure was nice to remember the good times. Gives me a warm fuzzy.

moon chasing . . .

I found myself chasing the moon tonight. I was returning from the post office and turned down the main street that lead to my home. As soon as I came around the turn of the road I almost pulled over and hit the sidewalk. I could not believe what I saw.

I gazed at a huge, when I say huge I mean very large moon that was staring at me and waiting for me at the end of the road. So I drive towards the moon. Mind you I have passed my turn for my house. I wanted to get to a spot where I could really see this magnet. As I drive the moon is getting lower and the house at the end of the street was getting a taller and the moon disappeared. I almost freaked. I went down another road looking for the moon - I couldn't find it. I was so frustrated. So now I'm almost two miles away from the house and there is no moon. I started to think that this was a fluke sighting. I didn't like that.

So I decided to go back to the road I was on when I saw it in the beginning. I kept on looking back because I was traveling in the opposite direction I was in when I first saw it. I'm not seeing anything. I almost gave up, then in my rear view mirror guess who peeped out of nowhere . . .

I had to stop. I pulled over and parked down an off street. Went back out to the main street and sat down on a bus stop bench. I was so mesmerized by the glow, size, and there was something else but I can't place it. I saw outside on this bench for close to 45 minutes staring at this marvel of nature. It made me feel warm. It made me feel.

You know seeing things like this, I so appreciate life so much more. Like I do periodically, I sent a choice number of friends a text to check the moon out because they will never see it again like this in their lifetimes. All this nature stuff is a one time shot in a lifetime. You may see something closely similar in the future but you will never see it as it is when you see it for the first time. That's why so many of us take life for granted most of the time cause we think it's the same thing over and over.

I have given up on trying to capture these moments on film, etc. Like when I met that guy the other night, I just want to enjoy the experience and rely on my memories. All of these things are the reason I've got a smile on my face at times!!!

peace and enjoy the moment!!

life is good . . .

Gotta tell you . . . this may not mean much to some but a couple of things happened to me that have made me feel good within the last 24 hours . . .


I was in the store yesterday and I ran across a friend I hadn't seen in a while. She and I started talking. Mind you my 17 year old is in the car. I told her I was just going to run in and out (which is what I normally do - I don't like shopping). So, I was talking to my friend at least 45 minutes (the time flew by). My daughter came in - need I say not to happy. To top it off I hadn't gotten what I was going to get yet (uh-oh!). So as she slithered up behind me, my friend's children slithered up behind her and it was like a silent pact these kids made that they were pissed and they were shooting out their animosity like venom from a snake. Brandi (my friend) and I caught the hint and started saying our byes . . . it was nice to see you . . . lets stay in touch . . .

So my daughter started walking ahead. I turned back to say bye for the 95th time. As I turned, I looked at Brandi but my eyes drifted right past her. I saw what thought was a beautiful man. He was in a suit (which I am not generally attracted to on site - but this didn't matter!), he was about 6'4" and just plain yummy! He appeared to be taking care of his body and it showed through the suit. OMG!!! I caught his eye and realized he was not looking away. So I did (it's what I do ~ trying to stop that). My friend turned around and she couldn't take her eyes off of him. As he walked by she said he was gorgeous. I looked at him as he passed and said, "Oh yes he is!" So after watching him pass by - like watching water flow through my hands - I turned back to my friend to say bye #96. She was looking at me, then past me. She said that the guy turned around twice and looked at me. Hmmm . . . someone did a double take on me??? WTH!! I'm thinkin maybe he left his glasses home or he had a crik in his neck - that sounds good. But Brandi at this point is swearing to me that this guy turned and took two long looks (she thought the he might have thought I would look up and respond). Since no one told me about it I guess I couldn't.

So we finally parted. I had to head in the direction Adonis as he floated by, not on purpose, on necessity for dinner. So I'm walking. I didn't look his direction. I was talking to my daughter as this point. My daugter stops to look at something and I slowed down. All of a sudden I hear, "Excuse me miss." (Haven't been called that in a while). I heard it but didn't think it was towards me. Then I hear it again. I turned and it was Adonis. He was standing in line. He called me over. I went. I think his pheromones dragged me over - I don't even think I walked. So I say Hi. He greets me back. He said, "I wanted to let you know that I think you are beautiful." Okay, what do you say to that. He smiled at me. No lie this guy looked like he stepped out of GQ magazine. What do you say? My ex-husband never called me beautiful. So I said to him, "Thank you." He said again, "You really are very beautiful." I thanked him again and all I could think of was introducing myself. So I did. I asked his name. It's not as tasty as Adonis ~ his name was Gerald. Works for me!

That's how it ended. Yeah, I'm a pretty shy girl. Hard to believe that if you knew me but I am a wimp! He smiled at me with the most perfect beautiful teeth, his eyes were not brown - but a light brown. His handshake was firm and his hands weren't soft nor were they rough. As I walked away I couldn't stop smiling . . . okay for the rest of the night I couldn't stop smiling. He struck a chord in me. He gave me a warm fuzzy. Oh . . . the "pizza of resistance" - I looked like crap. I looked like I was going shopping. I was in the comfortable jeans, the reliable comfy sweater. C'mon girls you know how I was dressed.

The morale to my story is that I felt good that someone could say something that made me feel great and I savored that moment by not finding out anymore about him. Like this past run on sentence, it would be nice if our paths cross, if they don't I hope he knows that he made this miss smile and feel good about herself for a change. Gotta say, dammmmmnnnnnn he looked good!!!

My second thing was today I med the Dahali Lama's right hand man. I wanted to just feel his energy and I did. I was so special to be around one who is just so . . (can't find the word(s)).

So far it's been a wonderful 24 hours.

Uuugghh . . .

Okay, so I wake up this a.m. and it's still white outside. I let my dog out. He's bouncing around the backyard like a little bunny. Oh, did I fail to mention that my dog is a 72 lb. black lab. Yeah, he was bouncing around the snow drifts in my backyard. So I guess you know how much I am loving this weather. I don't watch the news but from facebook my friends are all a buzz that this was supposed to be a storm that we haven't had in 10 years. Sorry, I'm still not impressed. All of the schools are closed and I heard some banks. Okay, I was raised in New York City ~ NOTHIN shuts down in the Apple. I guess as long as I have lived in the mid-west (it's been a while) the "pussiness" of the weather and how everything shuts down kills me. I think all my frustration comes from the fact that I am not gone from this and oh . . . now I'm still locked up in my house so I have to continue to clean. (Maybe that's the bottom line - it's a little misdirected wouldn't you say?)

I got issues . . .

To continue on with my procrastination - I grabbed my daughter and we tackled her room. It is such a struggle to get her to clean her room by herself (she lives in the basement), but if I join her (which she needs - I'm embarrassed to put a picture of the wrecking site online) we get a lot accomplished! Which we did. Didn't get it all done. That's gonna take a couple more weeks (no lie) but we a did a lot and believe it - we had fun!

So now that God has seen fit that I need to do more I am going to do my normal morning meditation and accomplish some more feats. Although, I am going to break away from it early and do some reading. I love to read. I go back to work tomorrow (I'm off on Wednesdays and Thursdays) maybe that stuff outside will see fit for me to make a dollar or so!!!

Oh . . . Freecycle is in my area - Oh Happy Day!!

Have a great day!!!

P.S. You know this is a great day to have a man and take advantage of him or vice versa . . . ah . . . someday!!! :~) Peace!

procrastination pays off . . .

Okay, just a few hours ago I posted "get up off your ass." So, as you can see I did a little procrastination - but before you frown at me, check this out.

I get on my favorite blogs. I thought that before I get started cleaning I could read some blogs. Helps me think and smile sometimes.

Well I get on this blog - f8hasit and she posted a blog that I believe will help me (freecycle). I am giving you this link to pay it forward via the blogging world and I hope it is in my city so I can participate in it. Thank you so much again. Here's the blog. I would give you the link to the actual program but the blog is worth reading!!! Here you be: http://www.f8hasit.com/2009/10/one-mans-trash.html

Back to work I go!!!!!!