Looking for Love 101 . . .

Is it looking for love?  The yearning of wanting to be with someone is always in my breathing pattern.  However, when I think about it if I do have someone I get suffocated.  I think that is because it is not the right one that I should be with.  I haven’t had many “real” relationships.  In fact, all of the relationships I have had have been toxic.  So much so that the toxicity level rose so much that the last relationship I was in was domestic violence, which has shut me down.     

It has been six and a half years since the ink has been dry on my divorce pages.  I don’t even consider myself ever married.  I don’t remember my wedding date or much about what should have been a special day and time of my life.  Who cares.  I know I went through some struggle – that’s all I remember.  (I guess the old adage is true – people only remember the bad over the good.)  Anyway . . . I am not a hater of any sort of marriage.  In fact, I am a proponent of marriage.  I think if someone has found the person that they love and want to spend the rest of their life with them I am such a supporter of that.  I have not found that yet – but I am sure it is still possible for me. 

After all that I have gone through, I sought out health resolutions for my situation/issues.  I was in counseling for 3 years.  The kind that strip you down to nothing and start you off from before birth.  Allowed me the chance to analyze the relationships in my life and the decisions I have made which has gotten me where I am today.  What’s killing me is I know I am ready . . . but I am not ready for the bullshit.  I am ready for fun . . . reciprocity . . . love . . . and whatever comes.  Really need that humor too. 

So I meet this guy last night.  He’s tall, stays in shape – great body – gives great hugs and is all cool.  I pick him up to go to a dinner party with a mutual friend.  He can’t drive at night.  He is slowly going blind.  During the day he is great but as the shadows of the night come he can’t see.  So we’re driving to our mutual friend’s house.  I’m thinking wow, attractive and he’s a masseur.  He does pedicures and manicure’s and is straight as a board.  Has lived here on the island for the last  9 years.  What more could I ask for.  I’m getting excited.   

So the island is only 26 miles long.  I had to pick him up on one end and drive almost to the other end.  I saw the red flag 10 minutes into the ride.  I knew something was wrong.  I guess not wrong but I had to lower my expectations because I couldn’t expect anything that I wanted.  I heard his life story by the time we reached the dinner party.  Not a good sign.  Everything was out there.  The last part is that he’s been separated from his wife and going through a divorce for the last three months.  Uugghh!!!! The baggage.  He has so much work to do to get to a point of being enjoyed.  However, he did share with me what he wants from a woman.  It was enough to either run and hide or cream your panties.  For me it was more of the creaming and I have my shoes by the door.  Here’s a piece of what he wants: . . . I’m not lonely for people.  I’m lonely for love.  I love to touch hold kiss, do her hands and feet, brush her hair, talk about how her day went, soak in the tug together, do facials for each other, walk on the beach holding hands, make love in the sand.  Cook together, sleep nude.  Wake up and tell each other love you. I like hanging out with a dog than most people.  But my queen would be my life. I love to love and be loved back, it’s just who I am.  I want to live for my queen and she of me.  We would be as one in love.  Okay . . . when I received this message we had not known each other 24 hours.  However, a note, this was not to me. This was a description of what he wants in life.  I will hand it to him that he has a goal and is dead set on achieving it.  Hell, what he said is exactly what I want too.  However, there are factors in this whole scenario.  First, why do I know all of this in under 24 hours – not a good sign; all of that sounds great yet a little suffocating – if hitting it with friends every now and then is doable – works for me.    

Well if you know me, I had to put all of that on line for him. A kind of grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him sort of thing.  Letting him know that he has some work to do before he get’s that.  He’s had a history of the same person different wig not appreciating him.  When you put your heart on your sleeve like that all kinds of vultures are going to come in and take advantage.  Plus, he was/is blinded by the light also.  So I got real with him.  He actually appreciated my words . . . there is hope!!!  I tend to be a little to real for some.  I won’t be soft so I guess it is what it is. 

I’m going home to see mom for my birthday week.  When I come back he and I will hang.  He’s good people.  He’s another one that my bestie would say, “Why didn’t you sleep with him, he’s gorgeous.  You do that all the time.  All these handsome men and you never at least sleep with them.”  I don’t know what that says about me but okay.  In my head my legs are to the windows and the sweat is on.  But that’s only in my head I guess.    

I’m sure there is more out there . . . nice guy but . . .  PASS!!!!

Spittin a thought . . .

So I applied for a special detail with my job . . . I got it.  I am shocked I got it.  It’s a pretty important position . . . I will have lives as my responsibility.  What really amazes me is that the group of people I work for feel I am able to handle all of this.  WTF?  As I think about it, I feel I can do this.  It will struggle in the beginning but I don’t have any self doubt in myself.  Normally I am beating myself up with self doubt . . . I mean with a BIG baseball bat.  Not now.  Am I growing up? Do I not know the full impact of this position? What is going on?  My way of thinking is changing.  I think I’m embracing it too.  Where is this going?  I think I am growing.  Damnit!  I like being the mature teenager I have not evolved from yet . . . I guess this is good.  It’s that Law of Attraction that I have been living in for the last 6 years.  Now it’s out of control! 

I work in uniform.  About two months ago I was so hell bent on being out of uniform and not testing for my job as I annually do each year.  Well the position I am in I am no longer in uniform, while doing the position and I am using my head for a change.  I get to think and make decisions.  Now I have to get into the same position and not test.  Great goal I think.  I’ve thought about this for so long that the thought became organic and part of me ~ amongst other things.

Just spittin a thought . . . 

I woke up this morning . . .

I woke up very early this morning and started thinking.  I have realized that my life truly changed when I stopped thinking.  As I think back on the situations in my life, I was always wondering why things were not coming to me like everyone else.  I was always on the outside.  Yeah, I was the happy go lucky one.  The one always cracking jokes and smiling.  But behind all of that I was always thinking.  Never stopped.  Always had thoughts and reasonings behind things.  I was living in a central self.  One that could not be penetrated by anything.  Yeah all my friends were in relationships and living the “dream.”  I was always the one on the side.  I wasn’t noticed as being the one on the side, but I was.  In the room, the natural buzz would be going on.  I was somehow invisible.  If my contribution to the room wasn’t a smile or a joke it wasn’t visible. 

I realized that when I thought I wanted what everyone else had – my life went to shit.  I guess saying it went to shit is very harsh.  My life took a turn that I have been trying to figure out how to get it back on track.  I thought that having someone in my life would somehow complete the process of being a human being in this time.  Well in that process, I dumbed myself down.  I didn’t give my true self.  The thinking growing me.  I somehow made the decision that if I were like everyone else, I would fit in.  I would have what everyone else seemed to want and I would be “happy.”  In that process, I had a man who did gain from my knowledge and chose to roam the earth seeking out his meaning of life.  This is after hours, days and a couple years of really wrapping ourselves up in the consciousness of what we felt was consciousness.  I can only commend him for walking away from family, friends and the mundane life of what it is to seek what he believes are the truths of existence . . . at least for him.  As far as I know he is still out there . . . somewhere.  I ran into him about 3 or 4 years ago and asked of his search.  He feels he’s getting closer. Alrighty then. 

So I then meet a man that just blew my socks off.  We were at the same cranial level actually he was higher and complimentary to mine.  He had it going on.  Not a dime in his pocket but what a brain in his head.  He was going to law school and was #2 in his class.  Want to know about being sexually attracted to someone.  Oooh wee!  Not only did he have the strength between his ears but his sexuality was equally as strong.  We would talk about the creation of earth and the energy that all beings share to exist in an intensity that was overwhelming.  We made love in that same intensity.  Experimented and walked into brave new worlds.  But what drew us together was our thoughts.  The sex was a perk.  Fuck that - the sex was that and more but was not the driving factor of the relationship.  It had an equal balance.  All of that was good, however, my naivety and where he was in life  . . . it didn’t work out like we wanted.  That was such a loss for me.  I missed the knowledge we shared.  God knows I compare every man I have been with to him sexually.  No one has fit the bill.  Still do.  However, we are still in touch with each other and it is scary sometimes how all the things that happen in life change people – but there is still that same somethingness that exists.  (btw . . . we are still very strongly sexually and mentally attracted to each other – circumstances I guess . . . )

After that experience I then moved into the phase of I don’t think I can handle another situation like that again . . . I got to dumb this shit down.  So I did.  With that rose the low self esteem that was buried inside of me – welcoming anything and anyone that could take advantage of that.  I have always lacked the social skills that the “normal” person would have.  I never dated in my life.  I embraced rejection as if it were a comfort pillow.  I expected it and I hated getting it, but it was my protein.  At that point, since I couldn’t really be out there like everyone else I let things come to me.  I became the care giver.  The one that took care of things.  You can’t turn down a care giver.  You can’t reject them . . . oh no.  I didn’t know that I had become such a person.  Hence the traumatic turn of events in my life.  Nothing but good people and then like a snake in a garden . . . I tell you – what you don’t see when you have your blinders on.  Needless to say, of all the people to have in your life – one that is so worse off that you.  One that puts you on a pedestal and raises the self esteem – raises it just enough to get in there and suck the rest of the energy out of you.  The best thing about about it . . . I allowed it to happen.  Nothing happened to me that I did not give full permission too.  I thought that I was using the smart brain that I was blessed with.  Wow . . . what a 5 year life changing awakening I had – with the scars to prove it.  Again, I dumbed myself down.

I realized that when I dropped that shield I had up I thought that I was welcoming in a “normal” existence.  When in reality I was in reality and let in the fallacy called “life”.  The lack of me using my consciousness has left me atrophied in the head.  However, every now and then I feel a slight pump of a heartbeat every now and then. 

I was texting a friend about a month ago this is what he said “Sometimes you get all philosophical on me . . . “  That’s that cranial blood seeping out.  I would like to say new people in my life are not used to that part of me.  But that is the part of me that is so suppressed.  I feel like I can’t mix the two.  If I do, I have to separate from the life that I have.  . . . I like the life I have so it’s so hard for me. 

However, in recent discovery of myself FUCK IT. I am flying that plane.  I am gonna have to mix this shit up.  Along with acceptance of others comes acceptance of self.  I have learned a lot just from my past and sitting back and really listening to others.  I am getting perspective and feel like I need to gain mine back.  Actually, not gain it back – give it the respect it deserves.  I’m going to bust that bubble and live.  All the other motha fuckers are just gonna have to accept or step. 

Do. or do not. There is no try ~ Yoda

I have started a Personal Manifesto.  I should say I have started writing my Personal Manifesto.  How freeing it is.  I have topics – I’m sure they are simple topics.  However, I am making it so that I could add as I learn and live.

Writing this has been so freeing.   It’s something that I wanted to do before.  I never really knew what a manifesto is.  One day the thought came to me.  I had to look it up because I had never heard of it other than it coming to me in my head.  There is a lot of information and suggestions on the web.  I chose to print that information out, but I haven’t read it yet.  I wanted to create it on my own with my own ideas and philosophies.  Well the ball is definitely rolling. It’s taking me a minute to finish it, but I don’t really think it ever gets finished.  Always polishing and fine tuning.  It does set me in a motion on a path.  Path to where – I don’t know.  I just like expressing and living to certain levels.  Although, I’m not stuck at just what I say I live with the guidelines know that things will change.  Rolling with the flow of life.

I was stimulated to really get it down on paper by meeting a wonderful person, a man that is so awesome!   I was on one of my trips.  He stood out from all the rest of the people I met.  He and I connected immediately.  His words, thoughts, views and freedom of life really turned me on.  He’s kind and honest.  Too bad he’s emotionally unavailable at this time.  However, who really is emotionally available!!!  I have found a friend for life.  We know each others thoughts and actions before we do it and sometimes predict it.  The people around us thought hmmm what’s up with these two?  Actually nothing just a connection of the spirits and energy.  Nothing like having a Super Hero in your life.

He noticed my fears.   Uuugh.  He didn’t want to rescue me – boy am I glad.  He supported me and encouraged me to let them go.  He didn’t make it a project.  I love that.  With his hands off approach I’m ready to take on the world (or so I think).  When I left he gave me a rose quartz – to further nurture my self love.  He also gave me a crystal, a Lemurian Seed Crystal.  The purpose of this crystal is to assist in remembering who we really are. I guess I got to stop sabotaging myself and let me out.  God help us all everyone!

One last thing.   In the light of the quote by Yoda.  I am getting into photography.  Something that I have taken on as a hobby.  I really have taken it on as a hobby, however, I have no idea what to do with my expensive tool for my hobby.  I found a free on line photography class.  I love it.  I’m learning about exposure, fstopping and such.  It has been pretty cool.  I need to do a hell of a lot more work – I emphasize hobby again. 

In my attempts of capturing what I am trying to learn.   I am learning how to take pictures with motion.  I know it’s not much but I will post a picture I took in practice. Yeah, this is it “water flowing from faucet.” I’m pretty proud of it.  However, I can do much better.  If you saw the other 35 pictures I took of the same thing, this was the best.  Bear with the amateur. 

I think this is the right exposure

                                          

The exposure is to dark but I still like the picture

I’m done.

May the force be with you!